The (not so) fantastic Mr. Fox….

Losing pets is horrid and it sucks. Losing pets and having to explain to your five year old that both of her much loved bunny rabbits were killed by a pack of hungry foxes somewhat intensifies the suckiness.

During the last couple of days we have had to console our daughter, pick up the pieces (literally) and perform a moonlit funeral (we had planned for a morning ceremony but the foxes weren’t content with taking just one of our rabbits, and came back at around 8 looking for the body of the other one). We thought it best to put them to rest as quickly as possible, in order to save Bella from even more emotional trauma.

So as we both sit here with our very much needed beers and reflect on the events that have unfolded over the past couple of days, we thought we would try to bring something positive from everything that has happened and give all those parents with pets and small children a bit of a heads up.

Now we can’t promise that everything we said and did while dealing with the situation was exactly the right thing to do (we are praying that we haven’t screwed Bella up too much in the process of explaining death) but she seems ok now, so all we can really do is let you know how we got to this point – a five year old sleeping soundly in her bed and two ice cold beers.

We acted quickly - Dan dealt with most of the clean up by herself at 3am after hearing the commotion outside. (I was away the night of the incident.) After not being able to locate the second rabbit however, we both knew that the garden would be off limits for a couple of days until we had a clear picture of what had happened.

 We were honest - We knew that we would have to tell Bella as quickly as possible, so Dan set her alarm for 6am (long before Bella’s natural wake up time). As with every delicate topic we approach with Bella, we were as honest as possible but used language and details that were appropriate for her level of understanding. We explained that it would be less upsetting for her not to go into the garden for a day or so, because we hadn’t yet found Merle, and didn’t want her to be frightened if she found him first. She had many questions throughout the whole of Friday, and we tried to answer them all as honestly as we could.

We used what she already knew about nature - At first, all that Bella felt was overwhelming anger towards the foxes. Luckily Bella had learnt about the jungle and Africa at school this term. We knew that she had been taught about lionesses and how they hunt and kill their pray in order to feed the rest of the pack. We were able to help Bella link this to what the foxes had done, and explained that foxes don’t have a way of knowing which animals are pets and which animals are wild – they just know what looks like food and that’s all that matters to them. We also spoke about Roald Dahl’s Fantastic Mr Fox (one of her favourite films) in the same way and although it didn’t help an awful lot, it did help Bella to see things in a different light.

We distracted but didn't ignore - Throughout Friday, Dan did all she could to help take Bella’s mind off of what had happened. We found that Bella would almost forget about it all but then suddenly remember and just sit and cry, or stop talking. We rode the highs with the lows and just let Bella take the lead. When she felt happy, we smiled with her and when she cried, we cried too. Dan decided to take Bella to her favourite cake shop and our lovely friend Liz even let her help decorate a birthday cake that she was making.

 We involved Bella - We tried to involve Bella in every decision that needed to be made. This involved explaining what happens to things after they die. Bella wanted to keep Daryl in a box in her bedroom and Dan had to explain why this wasn't possible, and what our options were. After a very long and delicate chat, we decided to bury him in Bella’s favourite box and wrapped in one of her baby blankets to keep him warm. She popped a crocodile (that she had made out of an egg box) on top of him to keep him safe and decided that she would be the one to put the lid on. We were reluctant at first to let Bella be this involved but she was adamant that she wanted to be. Luckily Daryl was intact when Dan found him, and looked as though he was sleeping so it seemed ok to let her say goodbye. Unfortunately when the foxes decided to pop back for another go, they left us with another horrid surprise. For some reason, unbeknownst to us, they had decided to bring back the lower half of Merle’s body and leave it in the exact spot that Dan had found Daryl. We decided not to let Bella see him, but instead placed Daryl over him so that looked like they were snuggled up together.

We showed Bella that we are human - As mentioned before, we showed Bella that she was not alone in feeling upset. We mainly just cuddled her, stroked her head and cried with her and ate a lot of cake and Easter eggs.

We remembered - We spent the day remembering all of the funny and naughty things that the rabbits used to do and how they made us all laugh. We also spent time telling Bells about some of our old pets and making her laugh with all of our funny stories.

The past two days have been a bit rubbish, but they have also been a massive learning curve for us and for Bella. We are just hoping that the decisions we have made have been the right ones and that we haven’t emotionally scarred her too much.

Dan and Steve.

Pet Shop Party

Today was very quiet. Connie and I spent most of the day on our own together as Bella was with a friend and to be honest, I was exhausted!

Poor Connie mainly just payed while I worked. I'm studying again at the moment (home based childcare) so I needed her to keep herself busy while I worked. She's pretty independent though, and loves playing in her little kitchen, so I just needed to make sure I drank various cups of pretend tea and nibbled on plastic slices of watermelon!

To make it up to her, I took her to Pets at Home in the afternoon. I know that does inked. Most editing day out, but for Connie, it seems just as exciting as a trip to the zoo (accept at pets at home, you know that most of the animals will be released and find a happy home at some point).

Connie loves looking at all of the animals and the fish. She runs around the shop visiting each little section of pets saying "hiya" and waving at each individual animal.

At the end of the day we nipped into a charity shop and found these two little happy land men. Bella begged me to buy them because they reminded her of her Daddy and Grandad! 

I'm wondering whetheit is the outfit that the little man is wearing that reminds her of Steve or the fact that he has a phone stuck to his head!! 

Money spent: 20p

Coffees needed: 3

Bella's review: not much to review really, she had a great day at her friends house, told me all about it and then went straight to bed! 

We're Going On a Bear Hunt

Today Bella decided that she wanted to do something nice for her sister, so she read Connie her favourite story 'We're Going on a Bear Hunt' over breakfast.

Connie got so excited that she joined in with most of the story and nearly bounced her way off of her high Hair. 

"Mum! What if we went on a REAL bear hunt? We could do it like when we went to Neverland!"

Well that was that. We then spent the entire day drawing story plans, making lists of the things we needed and setting up each part of the story. Bella had had a friend over to sleep the night before, so we had an extra pair of hands which helped a lot (they did also spend a proportion of the time bickering - but it's getting to that point in the holidays now so that's to be expected).

The girls worked really hard on preparing each section of the story. Their plan was to take Connie around to all of the different areas that they had made, while reading the book to her, so that she felt like she was really there in the story.

As usual we took lots of pictures...

Connie spent lots of time alongside Bella, drawing the dark, gloomy forest. All the while saying 'Uh- oh, Uh-oh'.

The girls transferred the story plans they had drawn inside, onto the patio, so that they could remember where to put everything, and the order of the story.

"you can't go over it, you can't go under it, OH NO you've got to go through it!"

Walking through the grass, swishy swashy, swishy, swashy!

Trudging through the river. Splash, splosh, splash, splosh!

Uh-uh, a snow storm, a swirling whirling snowstorm!

Quick, through the forest. stumble trip, stumple trip.

Uh - uh, a cave! A narrow, gloomy cave!

What's that? It's a bear!!

Connie was a bit too scared to go into the cave....

So she went for a swim in the river instead!

The girls had so much fun today, and it was great to do something so multi-sensory for Connie.

I am once again exhausted! I think we all are. It's getting to that point in the holidays now where everyone in our household is a bit tired and grouchy - I'm sure I'm not the only Mummy who's starting to pull her hair out a bit. 

Time to put Connie to bed and go get the red! 

Money spent - £0

Coffees required - none, far too hot today.

Bella's review - 10/10;

Play Dates, Smoothies and Sleepovers

Today we spent another great day at home.

Two of Connie's little friends came over for a play date, which was lovely (and also loud). 

We decided to get out ALL OF THE TOYS and the lounge was taken over by toddlers. It's always a bit mad when Connie has her friends over, but it's so worth while, as it has such a positive impact on her developmentally. Bella loves it too - well, what five year old wouldn't like having a mini adoring fan club?

It's so heart warming to see Connie playing alongside and interacting with children her own age. It's so much easier to see her as an individual when she is with her friends, and makes me to realise how much she has grown and changed since we brought her home 20 months ago!

Because of the impact that interaction between children of a similar age has on early development, I try to arrange a play date for Connie at least twice a week, whether we are going to a friend's house, having friends over or attending a group/children's centre. It is so important for children to share experiences with other children who are at roughly the same age.

Here are a few of the reasons why I try to keep Connie's diary full...

Language - Connie listens to the words that the children around her have already picked up and copies them. She seems to enjoy learning from her friends far more than learning her vocabulary from me!

Language - being in a different place or having another child at our house, gives Connie and I a new context and more things to talk about, which helps me to extend her vocabulary while she is playing or observing other children play. She also hears new words and accents when observing other parents.

Language - having a shared experience means that we both have something to talk about, to tell Bella about when she gets home from school. Connie always gets excited when Bella asks her what she got up to - and then we have lots of fun trying to describe all of the fun things we have seen and done.

Making relationships - Connie loves to sit back and watch what her friends are doing. I don't worry if she doesn't join in, because she is still learning. Usually she will copy what she has seen later on in the day, and then will feel confident to join in the next time.

Making relationships/Managing feelings and behaviour - Connie is now learning to play happily next to other children. When this involves turn taking, she is having to learn to manage her feelings and behaviour (which we are finding tricky at the moment). She is having to learn that not every toy belongs to her and that sometimes she has to share hers.

Making relationships - Connie has started to look for familiar faces at play groups. She knows different children by name and gets excited when she sees and greets them.

Managing feelings and behaviour - spending time with children has helped Connie to gain an awareness of the feelings of others. If someone looks sad, she comforts them by trying to give them a hug - often rugby tackling them in the process and causing an accidental face plant to the floor.

Observation - as previously mentioned, Connie will often watch her friends as they play. She frequently used what she has seen in order to make connections and adapt what she does and make it better in her own little way.

Tiredness - by the end if a play date, Connie is often exhausted after all of the learning and fun, so it's straight down for a nap and coffee time for Mummy!

I could go on to list far more of the befits of planning opportunities for children to play alongside others. I haven't even touched upon the impact it can have on the parent's wellbeing, and the positive impact that it can have on the parent/child relationship.

One thing about play dates though, is that they don't just tire out the child - so I will have to save the rest of that blog for another day, for I can hear my bed calling me!

We finished off the day by getting out the Deliciously Ella cookbook, and making mint choc-chip smoothies (Bella is having friend over for a sleepover and it was the only 'fun' activity I could think of that didn't require too much clearing up).

Overall it's been a pretty successful day. Every one is asleep and I will soon follow.

Money spent - £1.00 (one avocado and a banana for smoothie)

Coffees required - two big ones

Bella's review - haven't asked her yet as she was too busy playing and slurping smoothie. 

Whistle While You Work

Today was another quiet one. Bella woke up feeling rubbish, so we decided on a fry up and another lazy morning. Then I hit the house work. Hard.

Steve always laughs at me when I wear my housework outfit as I usually dress very specifically for the occasion. My clear out uniform often consists of a pair of Steve's trunks, a baggy t shirt and no bra (I'm sure I am not the only one who feels that they can move just a little bit more freely when braless!). I would post a picture of the delightful ensemble, but for fear of putting you all off of your tea, I thought it best to leave that one out! 

I spent THREE hours clearing and sorting. THREE. I'm always shocked at just how much rubbish we seem to accumulate as a family, and just how many rubbish and charity bags we manage to fill each month when I have had one of my mad clear out sessions.

I love doing it though, it clears my mind and chills me out. 

Once the charity bags were all dropped off and the rubbish was in the bin, it was time to go to my Mums for a BBQ. It is my Step-Dad's Birthday tomorrow, so we went to go and celebrate with him. In keeping with our £3 a day budget - we popped a £2 lottery ticket into his card as a present (having promised to get him a little more when the challenge is over. Unless he wins, in which case I think we'll have done our bit!). Bella also did the washing up as a little birthday present to Ben.

We are now finishing the day by letting the girls watch Frozen before they head off for an early night. Then Steve and I will get down to some serious 'Once Upon A Time' watching. Oh our lives are so glamorous!

Money spent - £3.00

Coffees required - two coffees and three teas

Bella's review - 5/10 because she started off poorly

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I really hope that wasn't poisonous.

I try to feed my children a balanced, nutritious diet full of vegetables, fruit the odd sweet treat here and there. 

Apparently though, there are times when what I provide is just not enough, and my children have looked elsewhere in order to satisfy their very specific cravings. 

There have been a few times since becoming a Mum, when I have been forced to ask my Mother, Nan, Best friend Lou and even Google the frequently asked question, "what do I do if my child eats a ........."

Yesterday I  took my eyes off of Connie for all of 30 seconds and she ate roughly an entire child's handful of butter! She didn't seem to mind, although she was rather thirsty for a while after, and smelt like cake for the rest of the day. It didn't stop her asking for more though.

Connie seems to quite like exotic cuisine. One day last year, in the height of Summer, I had managed to trap three massive Daddy Long Legs spiders all within an hour. I'm petrified of spiders, but I hate killing them, so I usually pop them under a glass and then leave them in the porch until Steve gets home, and the. I let him get rid of them. I had managed to trap all three under individual glasses and then left them in the porch. I then nipped out to the kitchen to grab some wet wipes, and this was the scene I returned to...

Connie had managed to toddle into the porch, closing the door behind her. When I walked in, each of the three glasses was empty and the spiders were nowhere to be seen. 

I spent the rest of the day in a panic because someone had once told me that Daddy long legs spiders were among the most poisonous in the world! I was just praying that she hadn't actually eaten them and that they had managed to magically scurry away to some secret hiding place.

This was not the case. I won't get graphic, but the evidence was in the nappy the next morning.

It's ok though, she lived.

Here is a list of things that my daughters have survived (and quite enjoyed) eating, along with their reactions. So if you ever find yourself uttering the words, "oh my gosh, did she just eat that? Do you think she'll be ok?" hopefully this list will be of some use. 

(Obviously a doctor would probably be your best bet in terms of advice, but our general rule is that if it's organic not chemical, it's probably not going to do masses of harm, unless it's part if the mushroom/berry family).

1. Ants - no reaction, just kept trying to eat the rest of their little friends.

2. Rabbit food - spat it out. 

3. Own poop - vomit

(one of Bella's nappies exploded in the night while we were sleeping and clearly she just couldn't resist).

4. An entire box of cigarettes - very smelly vomit.

(this one was actually me - I think I was about 2 and found them in the back if the car).

5. Grass - no reaction.

6. A buttercup flower - no reaction

7. Talc - coughing and sneezing (this one was Steve when he was little, apparently he was covered in the stuff).

8. Play dough - no reaction, just didn't like the taste.

I'm sure there will be more to add to this list as time goes on. The main two things we have learnt is that it takes a child roughly two seconds to find a delightful and potentially dangerous little treat to eat so you really do need eyes in the back of your head. 

But when they do inevitably end up eating something a bit odd, the important thing is not to panic! They really are robust little creatures, and it will usually just pass straight through.

Always trust your instincts though, and if you are worried, take your child to A&E or call NHS Direct for advice. It is always better to be safe than sorry and will put your mind at ease. 

Danielle

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I am a Rubbish Mother

I have this thought at least twice a day. 

The thing about being a parent, is that every single one of your actions has an impact on your child in some way, shape or form. It is true that they are all born different and with their own unique personalities (my girls couldn't be more different) but by and large, children get along in life by watching and mimicking the behaviour that they observe most often - usually the behaviour of their parents. 

As parents we get an 18 year time slot to create good people who are kind and compassionate, responsible and independent and who use their own initiative to get by successfully in life. We want our children to be happy and healthy when they finally leave home, so that we can trust that they will always know how to make the right choices and do the right things. That way, when they do finally fly the nest we will feel safe in the knowledge that they are ok and maybe we will be able to finally relax a little bit. 

To me that seems to be a bit of a tall order. No one teaches you how to create these wonderfully well rounded, complete people. There is no exam to take before becoming a parent, you don't really get a tutor or a mentor, it's just a case of trial and error, especially with the first child! This seems totally crazy. It is the most important responsibility you can ever really receive - and yet no onehelps you learn how to do it.

I always felt very fortunate in that I had a background in psychology and education and was also undergoing teacher training during Bella's early years. I had spent a long time learning about child development and behaviour and always tried to put what I had learnt into my parenting style. Being more informed definitely helped me feel confident to parent Bella in my own way, but I didn't expect it to also have a negative impact on the way that I felt as a parent.

Having a deeper understanding of how children develop and knowing how much your actions can impact them and their behaviour, has opened me up to a whole world of guilt. I almost feel like I know too much and so,on the days when I just don't have the energy to reason with my children and explain my actions (and believe me they happen frequently) I find that I am suddenly overwhelmed by an enormous feeling of guilt and self loathing. I can never seem to get anything 100% right.

I don't believe it is right to shout at your children. It frightens them, but also shows them that you are no longer in control of the situation. That doesn't mean that I don't shout at them sometimes. Because I am human. But because my beliefs are so strong, because of what I have been taught, I feel absolutely awful when I have lost my temper and shouted.

What I do make sure of though, is that if ever I have yelled, I apologise to my children and explain my actions. I then go back to finding ways of trying to ensure that I don't have to shout at them in order to manage their behaviour.

The thing I have found out about my children is that they are like little mirrors that reflect the mood around them. If I am stressed and angry then their behaviour will reflect that. Likewise if I am always shouting, their average volume level will also always be high. So I try so hard to always be calm and consistent and to always have very clear expectations of my children's behaviour.

When Bella turned two I learnt two techniques that made managing behaviour so much more simple and effective. I trained at a school that had a set of 'golden rules' that every child and teacher followed religiously. These are the ones that I decided to use very day:

We listen

We are kind and gentle

We always tell the truth

We always try our best

We look after property

The rules/statements are really positive, as they look at what we do do, rather than what we don't do. Everyone in our house follows them, not just our children and they are used consistently every day.

I have found over the past five years, that every kind of negative behaviour can be related back to at least one of these rules. 

When the girls are following one of the rules really well, we give them lots of praise and talk about it. Bella loves this, as she now does it with Connie.

When they are choosing not to follow them however, we give them a very clear warning (here is where it gets a bit 'supernanny'. After giving the warning we explain that if the choose to carry on behaving in the same way, they will be put on time out. If they continue, they are removed from the situation and taken to a quiet area of the house. They are the given time to sit and think about why they are there. A minute for ever year of their life - so Bella gets five minutes for example.

We don't interact with them while they are there, and once they are finished we discuss why they were put there and ask them to apologise for the choice that they made. By doing this we are explaining that it is the choice and behaviour that we are cross with, not the child (this is also why we call it time out, and not the naughty step). We find that removing the child from the situation also gives us a bit of time out and prevents us from loosing our temper. Once the behaviour has been dealt with, we move on and get back to what we are doing.

As previously mentioned, we have used this consistently for about four years and it has always worked. Even now that Bella is older, she still hates the idea of being sat on her own for five minutes. Most of the time we only need to give a warning and the actual time out itself isn't required.

It doesn't work for every child though, because every child and family is different. I think that it's just a case of finding something that works for you and being consitant with it. 

Even though Steve and I have found something that works with the girls, we still make mistakes. We lose our temper, forget to give warnings or sometimes forget to follow through with a warning we have given. It's usually a recipe for disaster and things often go on to get worse before they get better!

No parent is perfect, we certainly aren't. We are all learning at the end of the day, and trying to find something that works. The guilt and worry are unavoidable and if you aren't full of self doubt then you probably aren't doing your job properly!

If you are always thinking about whether or not you are doing the right thing, if you go to bed feeling as though you haven't been the best parent in the world today, but will give it a bloody good shot tomorrow, then you are already doing better than you think you are. It means that you are reflecting, that you care enough about your role as a parent to try to find ways of being better at it.

None of us are perfect, being a parent is the hardest thing you will ever do. We all just need to remind ourselves and each other that we are all trying our best - isn't that what we would remind our own children to do if they were finding something tricky? 

Danielle 

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