A bun in the oven

I remember posting a status on Facebook when I was pregnant with Bella - something to do with cooking buns. It was my own secret little way of saying - I'm having a baby, yay!

Back then I had just turned nineteen. I was around six weeks pregnant and in my second year of university. As I'm sure Steve will tell you, it wasn't a happy time. We were both terrified for so many reasons and staring into a massive black hole of uncertainty.

Of two things however, I was absolutely certain:

1. I was keeping the baby
2. I was going to blooming well graduate from university with a degree that would help me become a teacher and provide for my child.

At that point I just didn't quite know how I was going to do it. I just, sort of plodded along, dragging myself to lectures while trying not to fall asleep or vomit.

At around five months into the pregnancy, things were looking bleak. It all got too much for Steve and we broke up. Something which at the time seemed like the cruellest most unkind torture, but which brought us back together as a formidable force a year later (I'll get to that part another time, it's a long story).

So… Now I was alone. I did have the support of my friends and family but as with anyone you are close to - you can always see what their true feelings are by the looks on their faces. They were all extremely anxious.

Some didn't mind telling me how worried they were for my future and for that of my baby. I was told by many that it would be easier for me to give university up altogether. Some even said that I was selfish for planning to carry on with my studies with a child. I was accused of draining peoples taxes before the baby was even born. Some incredibly unkind people informed me that I was going to ruin my life as well as the lives of those closest to me.

For a group of 'grown ups' they certainly were naive.

Being young and pregnant does not automatically mean that you have failed and should pack it all in. If you have decided to study, and you still want to do it then blooming well go and do it! I'm not saying that carrying on with your education while gestating a baby is for everyone, and I'm also not saying that those that don't choose to continue are worth any less than those that do.

What I am saying, shouting, screaming even, is that it is not as impossible as it seems. If you want anything badly enough than it can be achieved.

1. Get determined

It really is all about how much you want it. There will be days when you haven’t slept, the house is a mess and you have a whopper of an essay to write - and on those days you need to have your goal so clearly fixed in your head that the passion alone overtakes. 

For me it was the image of Bella being older and one day visiting my classroom. This would be the moment when I would know we had made it. I would be able to show Bella what all of our hard work was for. I would be able to act as the role model that she needed. She would grow up knowing just how strong women can be. She would be provided for, happy and proud.

2. Get informed and make a plan.

Phone your campus (be it your school, college or Uni) and find out if there is any support available for someone in your position. Usually there are access to learning grants that can help you continue to study. If you are in college or at university there are also grants, bursaries and loans that can help with child care. The people who help you access the support are also there to keep you going. Show them how much you want and need to be there, and they will go out if there way to make it happen for you. My access to learning manager cried when I got my grant sent through as she knew just how much it meant to me. We both cried together actually . It was an emotional moment.

3. Get strong

Tell your family, friends and anyone who'll listen about your plan, even if you haven't quite filled in the blanks. If they know that you are crystal clear about what you want, and how you are going to try and get it, they will relax a bit and then they will back you. If you are determined, they will be determined to help you. Plus the more you talk about your plan, the more certain and clear you will feel and that clarity will keep you going.

4. Get positive

This is a pretty good one for life in general. Having a thankful outlook on life is the difference between a good day and a rubbish one. Yes, they were days when I moaned, of course there were. I missed Steve, I was tired, my body ached, I had essays to write - I had a long list of things to complain about. Then a friend of mine challenged me to make a list if things I was thankful for every single morning and night and it totally changed my way of thinking. I had a support network, a roof over my head, food in my belly, a healthy baby and access to an education, all the other little things were an added bonus. Thinking this way helped me to stay determined and to visualise my goals in a positive and excited way. To that friend, you know exactly who you are, thank you.
5. Get Support

I'm not just talking about a good set M&S maternity undies here (although supportive underwear is well worth the money when you have a 9 pound baby doing the Time Warp in your womb) I'm talking about friends.

The thing about being very young and pregnant, is that you quickly find out who your true friends are. People handle pregnancy in lots of different ways - especially young people. I automatically lost a good proportion of my 'friends' who just couldn't handle the situation I was in. That sucked at the time, but I'm really grateful it happened as it sort of separated the men from the boys if you catch my drift?
The friends that I was left with were truly incredible and Steve and I both owe so much to them. I moved in with three absolutely wonderful people who were both there throughout the whole pregnancy, Bella's birth and her first year.

We were all studying at the same university and them moving in with me meant that I could afford to stay and carry on with my course.

The three of us had no clue what we were doing, but we got through it together,  laughing every day, and I never felt alone.

Just having someone to talk to, to celebrate the milestones with, to remind you of who you are (having a baby kind of zaps your identity a bit), to drag you out of the house or take the baby for half an hour while you sleep or wash or read. Your close friends will always remind you of how far you have come, and how much you have achieved - they always have your corner. Equally they will ways tell you when to suck it up and get on with it. In a nice way.

I wasn't the only one who benefited from my incredible friends. Bella spent her first year surrounded by a group of the most kind, interesting and out going people and I really do think that this has set her up for life. It definately helped that I was doing a degree Drama and Theatre. She was exposed to a lot of pretty cool people who are still a huge part of our lives now - our wedding photos are living proof of that.

This is Lou and Luke at Bella's birth.

Bella's Godfathers Luke and Neil.

6. Get inspired

Talk to other young mothers about what they love about motherhood and how they deal with it. If you can find other women that have been in the same boat as you then that's a massive bonus too.

We did it! This is Bella and I at my graduation.

And again when I graduated with a Post Graduate Certificate in Education. 

This is where Bella spent the first year of her life. Royal Holloway University.

There is nothing that can prepare you for parenthood. It will hit you hard at any age, no matter your situation. I raised Bella alone for the first year and then with Steve for the rest and both situations came with their own challenges. 

Whatever your age or situation though, you are totally not alone, and although I'm not promoting that young couples have babies while at school or university I am saying that it certainly isn't impossible. 

As long as you are doing everything in your power to be a strong role model for your child, you are doing a great job. 

Danielle.

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