These butterflies always seem to have a baby group to go to or a tight-nit circle of other butterfly friends to go and see. Their babies are usually inundated with playdate invitations and they always seem happy.
I was not one of these people.
During Bella's first year I was ok. I didn't have many 'mummy friends' as many of my friends hadn't had children yet. It was ok though, I was surrounded by my housemates and friends on my course.
Bella was the only baby at Royal Holloway so in terms of popularity she would have rivalled Prince George. We always had friends popping in to see us or inviting us out for picnics and I was always busy.
When I had Connie however, I was in a totally different position. After an extremely hectic four years of training and teaching, I suddenly found myself with nothing to do. The maternity leave that I had been so looking forward to, almost felt like a bit of a prison sentence.
It dawned on me after bringing Connie home, that I would now be alone for the magority of my time.
By alone, what I mean is being without other adults. I was obviously with Connie all of the time, but I found myself really craving adult company and just didn't know how to find new friends.
The social butterflies usually consisted of groups of Mums that had been friends for years. Most of them had magically all fallen pregnant at roughly the same time. I didn't fit in with those groups really, and I knew never would.
I suddenly felt like I was back at school. A bit lost and a bit lonely.
I used to spend the day walking around shopping centres with Connie and sitting in coffee shops praying for someone to talk to me. I only ever really sat down to breastfeed Connie, which seemed to put people off of striking up a conversation with me. I think it made them a bit nervous. Although this may well have all been in my head as I did find breast feeding in public a bit scary at first.
The only friends I seemed to be making were the people working behind the counter at Starbucks.
Going to mother and baby groups really did make a difference to how I was feeling, although it did take a while to get the ball rolling.
When I first started going to mother and baby groups I wasn't keen. I didn't really know how to introduce myself and mainly just spoke about Connie.
I kept going though. I tried out different groups and met as many new parents as I could. After a few weeks I found an incredibly like minded new friend who absolutely got me through that year. We bonded over a love of good coffee and our mutual feeling of total 'lostness'. Most importantly, we gave each other a reason to leave the house. I wouldn't have met that friend if I hadn't kept trying.
Being a new parent can be lonely and isolating whether you are single or in a relationship.
Of course every experience is unique, but these are some of the things that helped me feel happier during the first part of my maternity leave....
Getting out of the house is an absolute must. Go for a walk - anywhere. The fresh air will do you and the baby so much good. Being out and about will give you lots of things to talk to your baby about and he/she will love learning all of your facial expressions and features while you talk.
Speak to your health visitor about local groups early on. Not only will she point you in the right direction, she might also be able to pair you up with someone with the same interests and give you a head start.
Actually go to a few of the groups that are available to you. If not for you than for your baby. It's so good for them to learn new faces, songs and to take in all of the interaction. The groups are actually quite fun to be honest you do end up learning lots from the other parents and there are usually refreshments. People actually bring cake. What's not to love?
Be honest with the friends and family you already have. If you're feeling lonely, tell them. They might have been standing back because they didn't want to overcrowd you. They won't know how you're feeling unless you actually tell them.
Try to take some time for yourself each day to do something that makes you feel as though you are still moving forward. Read something, learn a new skill, put a face pack on - whatever, just do something that makes you happy.
Most of all, remember you really are never alone - because your baby will always be near to you. When you are feeling lonely take some time to enjoy your baby. They really don't stay little for long. Enjoy the all of the cuddles and snuggles while they last, because once they hit six they will be far too busy with their friends, climbing trees, building Lego and having fun, to notice you. Bella only hugs me when there's chocolate involved.
To those who have taken to parenthood like ducks to water, keep an eye out for the ones that look a bit lost. They might just be waiting for a new friend to introduce themselves.
Danielle
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