Kids Don't Come With A Manual

Being a parent is bloody hard work! 

From the moment we see that tiny filickering pulse on the sonogram screen or our thumbs are gripped by a tiny vice like little hand, all we want is the absolute best for our little people.

Most parents have an idea already thought up in their heads about the things that they want for their children in later life, steady and happy careers, large houses, long lasting and happy relationships etc. What it all boils down to is this - parents want to see their children grow into content and confident people who are able to easily find their own happy place in a very large and tricky world.

The difficult bit however, is figuring out how to get them there. With so many conflicting ideas about how we should parent our children it can be difficult to find our own way. 

Before having Bella, I read every parenting book going (all very difficult to relate to, and all very patronising). I wanted to feel prepared for what was going to happen and start by putting my best foot forward. 

The absolute truth is that there is no one book or even a library of books that can prepare you for parenthood. Each child is absolutely unique and, unlike any other priceless gadget, unfortunately they do not come with an instruction manual. Most parents arrive home and, after a brief spell of wondering around saying 'look what I did' enter into a long stretch of silently screaming, 'what the heck do I do now?!'

Most parents just find themselves plodding in a 'blind leading the blind' sort of a way, trying not to break their children and praying that each little decision doesn't lead to a total melt down later on in their child's life. I sort of liken it to that episode in The Simpsons where they go back in time and keep accidentally changing the future by landing on stuff! Every decision that we make as parents has the potential to have a massive impact on what our children will be like as adults.

Although there is nothing to prepare you for the initial shock of becoming a parent, I have found one book that seems to make the rest of the journey appear a lot more manageable and far lass scary. 

'Kids Don't Come With A Manual' By Carole and Nadim Saad is the sort of book that every parent dreams of stumbling upon. To use another time travelling movie metaphor (I seem to be on a roll so why not?) it is like the equivalent of the book that Biff Tannen writes to his past self in 'Back to the Future', the one that tells him about what sports games to gamble on and so on. 

The book provides a complete tool kit for parents (more of a life line really for some of us) and addresses every issue that might be faced by an individual who is desperately trying to do a decent job of parenting. It not only provides a set of quite magical tools, but also a clear and concise instruction manual for how to use each tool effectively and on a daily basis.

A huge emphasis is placed upon the connection between parent and child throughout the book, as well as the ways in which this connection can impact a child's behaviour (both now and in later life). Each of the parenting tools is given with this connection in mind - with the main aim being to sustain and strengthen it at all times. The authors continually draw the reader back to the main aim of the book, and indeed parenting itselft - do develop emotionally secure, happy and confident little people.

Carole and Nadim Saad, the books authors, use their own experiences as parents along with their professional knowledge, to help Mums and Dads in all sorts of situations, find ways of preventing parental struggles or challenges before they arrise. 

The language used is straight forward, positive and accessible even when the issues being addressed are complex or the strategies offered come with a lot of psychological weight.

Common parenting issues are dealt with quite systematically. The author addresses common parenting issues from the point of view of a 'strict' parent, an 'all heart' parent, and from the view point of the child. All perspectives are then taken into account and a solution is offered or 'tool'! In order to prevent the issue arising in the first place or in order to address it. The solutions are all based upon psychological research, but they are broken down wonderfully and are easily read and apply to every day situations. To make them even more accessible, the authors have offered real life examples of how the tools have been used, which provides a really clear context for the information that is given.

The best part about the 'tools' sections, is that they come with a short script to follow so you can practise them a bit before having a go yourself with your own children. This also helps with constancy if you are trying some of the them out alongside your partner.

Some of the issues addressed within the book include:

Defusing whining and arguing

Limited choices

Being constistant

Empathy and Validation 

Active listening

Setting rules

Logical consequences 

Delayed concequences

This short list is merely a snippet of the wealth of parenting challenges that are covered within the book. Because of the vast amount of important and useful information that the book provides, it does take a lot of time to really process and apply effectively. I am currently using it chunk by chunk in order to focus on specific issues that I a facing. The layout of the book makes it easy to find solutions to problems quickly and effectively (especially in times of parental crisis). There is even a trouble shooting section.

When read and applied as a whole though, I think that this book could be life changing - almost providing a bit of a 'parenting detox' and a total lifestyle change, that I am sure would make for a happier home all round.

Even after reading the book from cover to cover, I am finding that I don't want to be without it. It has already altered my perception of the ways that I interact with my children. The voice of the child sections specifically have given me a brand new insight into how the ways in which I interact with my children might make them feel and act. By making small changes I am already seeing a very positive impact on the general mood of the house - my stress levels are lowering and the usual daily parenting struggles that I face seem to have decreased.

The book is fabulous and if, like me, you find the whole parenting thing slightly daunting (understatement of the century) then this book might just be what you need! I really can't speak highly enough of it, so you really must take a peek for yourself! 

Danielle

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