Dear Sir
In fact, let me direct this letter to all of the helpful passers by, who take it upon themselves to offer parenting advice and criticism as they pass my screaming toddler.
Let me start by saying, that as far as my memory can stretch, I cannot recall ever meeting or even hearing of an individual with a degree in parenting. So please, if you do happen to be this lucky baby and toddler expert, with a wealth of useful knowledge about my unique little girl, may I ask you to direct it at me and not my daughter as she may not take your constructive criticism very well. She can be a little sensitive you see.
May I also ask you to refrain from using expletives as you pass my crying child in the street. If seeing my child cry gives you reason to think that she is naughty or that my parenting skills are not up to scratch, then just think what other people might say when she randomly shouts the ‘F’ word at passers-by during our morning stroll. How will I explain to them that she picked up such a lovely word from such a knowledgeable baby and toddler expert? No one will believe me!
You see, in any normal situation if you were to swear at me or about me, I would have the self-confidence and energy to shake off your negativity and walk away with my head held high. However, when I am not feeling quite at my best (say when my child has been yelling relentlessly at the top of her lungs for 50 minutes after having screamed her way through most of the previous night) comments like yours add to a feeling of self-doubt and anxiety that I suspect most parents battle with every day.
I am sure that you can understand that even the most constructive criticism, when given during times of tantrum, can have rather a negative impact on the self esteem of a young Mother who is simply doing her best.
Though you may be silently or (in some wonderful cases) vocally doubting my mothering skills, let me reassure you that I am not neglecting my child by letting her cry. She isn’t hurt, ill, wet, tired or hungry. I haven’t beaten her or taken away her favourite toy. Believe it or not, she just feels like crying at the moment. As a baby and toddler expert, I am sure you are aware that sometimes babies actually do just cry for no reason and sometimes they can be rather loud.
Let me take this opportunity to apologise for the apparent feelings of pain and discontentment that my daughter’s cry has caused you. It can be loud, I know, but she hasn’t been here long, and just like anyone testing out a new toy, she is merely seeing just how loud and powerful her voice can be.
Believe it or not, I actually spent nine long months waiting to hear the tone of that beautiful cry. For a long time I could not imagine that the tiny bundle growing inside of me would have his or her own voice. So to me that little voice that is causing you so much anger is actually something that I am thankful every day to hear. On the days when the crying does get to me, and I’ll admit they do occur, surely it should be me that asks her politely to use her indoor voice? I am after all the poor sucker that forced her out of my downstairs. I think it is me who has earnt the right to dish out orders, and not you.
I know it can be loud and frustrating to listen to her cry, but please do not tell her to ‘shut the f*** up’. Like you she has the right to use her voice. I am just hoping that by the time she is your age, I will have taught her to use it in a kind and respectful tone, something that your mother clearly failed to do for you.
To the one kind and considerate gentlemen who simply smiled at my daughter and then and me before saying, ‘You’re doing a brilliant job Mummy – see your little girl loves to sing’. I thank you and wish that they were all like you. You are the one who boosts my confidence when I need it most. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
When you hear a baby crying in the street/super market/café please remember that the parent caring for that child is doing his or her best. Rather than giving a dirty look or passing comments under your breath (or even to that poor parent’s face) please stop and remember, you were a baby once. Smile at them and understand that they are doing the best that they can do.
If that doesn’t do it however, then remember this:
In 20 or so years, that child that you scorned so harshly may well end up looking after you as you live out your last days in a care home. You wouldn’t want karma to come round and bite you in the butt now would you? I’m sure that you would want to be treated with the respect that you should be showing them.
Danielle.
I love this article! So well said. I am sorry you had to go through this. The reality is that people will judge, and those who will judge have either never been in your shoes, or have some major issues they are dealing with in their life. Any time I see judgment, I tell them to mind their own business (they never seem to see that coming so it is a nice surprise to throw them off!) and remember that they have issues and I sort of begin to feel pity for them. Thanks for sharing!
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