It would seem that Bella has already hit the dreaded teenage years. Gone are the days when Mummy was the coolest thing since sliced bread, I am now apparently a personal chef and cleaning lady and, as I have been informed by Bella, a teacher of the rules of life.
I have also been notified by my five year old, that our relationship must be kept at a professional level, in order to avoid any public embarrassment on her end. I am now permitted to cuddle only at bed time (or during heightened emotional situations such as a fall over or after a very tricky poo - hers not mine).
I really am hoping that this is just a phase. Bella has always been an extremely independent child and physical displays of affection have never really been her thing. But up until now I could at least rest assured in the knowledge that she at least like me a bit. Now it seams that even talking to me is a total bother and bore and she makes it very clear that she would rather be getting on with other things!
Most conversations result in a power struggle, followed by Bella informing me of how much of a bad Mummy I am. This usually results in me wondering whether I am approaching the situation in the right way or whether I am actually screwing my daughter up emotionally while also destroying the connection between us that I have worked so hard to build and sustain.
I have a few theories regarding what might have caused the sudden dip in our relationship. Each seems to come with its own solution. I think.
1.) She's just at an age where she wants to be in control and independent. She needs her own space and more control of her life.
If this is the case then really we just need to give her the space she is after, while also carrying on with the routines and responsibilities we have put already put in place for her (all suggested in the wonder book 'Kids Don't Come With A Manual' as previously reviewed below).
http://accidentalparentguide.blogspot.co.uk/2015/04/kids-don-come-with-manual.html
2.) She's feeling as though her little sister gets more of our attention (manly positive attention) and this is making her a bit jealous, lonely and upset.
The difficult thing here is that, although we try our best to give the girls equal attention, Bella is now at an age where she is able to make informed decisions about her behaviour, so sometimes we are not able to disciplineand them in the same way. I'm worried that Bella has picked up on this and might be feeling as though we favour her sister
In this situation I suppose that it is a case of trying to find a balance so that she doesn't perceive that we are constantly disciplining her while praising Connie. While we are trying to offer as much praise as we can to balance this out, it is difficult to do this genuinely when you are frequently met with a non interested eye rolling child who refuses to listen.
3.) She actually just wants more attention and closeness with us.
Steve and I try to set a good few chunks of 1:1 time with each girls each week which they both seem to love. Maybe it's just a case of trying to do more of this. It's just a case of trying hard to make the time during a day that is already cram packed with so many other things to do!
4.) Something else entirely is bothering her.
One of the most important rules on our behaviour chart is that we listen and it is something that Steve and I often remind Bella to do. I wonder though, whether we listen enough to Bella. It is so easy to get swept up in the busy rhythm of the day, and I think that we often rush Bella though saying what she wants to tell us. I sometimes find myself finishing sentences for her, which is totally unfair and rude (if someone did this to me continuously I would probably want to give them a bunch of fives).
Working on strengthening our connection with Bella should help with this, particularly during 1:1 time when we are playing, baking or building Lego. Possible sharing our own feelings with her might help her to share hers. In any case, our main aim needs to be helping Bella know and understand that we are always here for her to talk to.
5.) she has discovered the truth - that her parents are actually not the be all and end all and really don't know what they are doing most of the time.
Well it had to happen at some point, I think we just thought that had a few more years of pretending left.
6.) It may well be all of the above.
In this case we have our work cut out for us.
Whatever the reason for the change in her behaviour, I think I just need to keep reminding Bella of how much we love her, and how much she belongs in our family. As long as she is secure in the knowledge of how loved she is, everything else should even itself out. I hope.
I think that perhaps I may just need to learn not to take it so personally. After all, even though she is acting like a teenager, she is still only five, and the real teenage years are yet to come (insert panic face).
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