Whistle While You Work

Today was another quiet one. Bella woke up feeling rubbish, so we decided on a fry up and another lazy morning. Then I hit the house work. Hard.

Steve always laughs at me when I wear my housework outfit as I usually dress very specifically for the occasion. My clear out uniform often consists of a pair of Steve's trunks, a baggy t shirt and no bra (I'm sure I am not the only one who feels that they can move just a little bit more freely when braless!). I would post a picture of the delightful ensemble, but for fear of putting you all off of your tea, I thought it best to leave that one out! 

I spent THREE hours clearing and sorting. THREE. I'm always shocked at just how much rubbish we seem to accumulate as a family, and just how many rubbish and charity bags we manage to fill each month when I have had one of my mad clear out sessions.

I love doing it though, it clears my mind and chills me out. 

Once the charity bags were all dropped off and the rubbish was in the bin, it was time to go to my Mums for a BBQ. It is my Step-Dad's Birthday tomorrow, so we went to go and celebrate with him. In keeping with our £3 a day budget - we popped a £2 lottery ticket into his card as a present (having promised to get him a little more when the challenge is over. Unless he wins, in which case I think we'll have done our bit!). Bella also did the washing up as a little birthday present to Ben.

We are now finishing the day by letting the girls watch Frozen before they head off for an early night. Then Steve and I will get down to some serious 'Once Upon A Time' watching. Oh our lives are so glamorous!

Money spent - £3.00

Coffees required - two coffees and three teas

Bella's review - 5/10 because she started off poorly

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I really hope that wasn't poisonous.

I try to feed my children a balanced, nutritious diet full of vegetables, fruit the odd sweet treat here and there. 

Apparently though, there are times when what I provide is just not enough, and my children have looked elsewhere in order to satisfy their very specific cravings. 

There have been a few times since becoming a Mum, when I have been forced to ask my Mother, Nan, Best friend Lou and even Google the frequently asked question, "what do I do if my child eats a ........."

Yesterday I  took my eyes off of Connie for all of 30 seconds and she ate roughly an entire child's handful of butter! She didn't seem to mind, although she was rather thirsty for a while after, and smelt like cake for the rest of the day. It didn't stop her asking for more though.

Connie seems to quite like exotic cuisine. One day last year, in the height of Summer, I had managed to trap three massive Daddy Long Legs spiders all within an hour. I'm petrified of spiders, but I hate killing them, so I usually pop them under a glass and then leave them in the porch until Steve gets home, and the. I let him get rid of them. I had managed to trap all three under individual glasses and then left them in the porch. I then nipped out to the kitchen to grab some wet wipes, and this was the scene I returned to...

Connie had managed to toddle into the porch, closing the door behind her. When I walked in, each of the three glasses was empty and the spiders were nowhere to be seen. 

I spent the rest of the day in a panic because someone had once told me that Daddy long legs spiders were among the most poisonous in the world! I was just praying that she hadn't actually eaten them and that they had managed to magically scurry away to some secret hiding place.

This was not the case. I won't get graphic, but the evidence was in the nappy the next morning.

It's ok though, she lived.

Here is a list of things that my daughters have survived (and quite enjoyed) eating, along with their reactions. So if you ever find yourself uttering the words, "oh my gosh, did she just eat that? Do you think she'll be ok?" hopefully this list will be of some use. 

(Obviously a doctor would probably be your best bet in terms of advice, but our general rule is that if it's organic not chemical, it's probably not going to do masses of harm, unless it's part if the mushroom/berry family).

1. Ants - no reaction, just kept trying to eat the rest of their little friends.

2. Rabbit food - spat it out. 

3. Own poop - vomit

(one of Bella's nappies exploded in the night while we were sleeping and clearly she just couldn't resist).

4. An entire box of cigarettes - very smelly vomit.

(this one was actually me - I think I was about 2 and found them in the back if the car).

5. Grass - no reaction.

6. A buttercup flower - no reaction

7. Talc - coughing and sneezing (this one was Steve when he was little, apparently he was covered in the stuff).

8. Play dough - no reaction, just didn't like the taste.

I'm sure there will be more to add to this list as time goes on. The main two things we have learnt is that it takes a child roughly two seconds to find a delightful and potentially dangerous little treat to eat so you really do need eyes in the back of your head. 

But when they do inevitably end up eating something a bit odd, the important thing is not to panic! They really are robust little creatures, and it will usually just pass straight through.

Always trust your instincts though, and if you are worried, take your child to A&E or call NHS Direct for advice. It is always better to be safe than sorry and will put your mind at ease. 

Danielle

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I am a Rubbish Mother

I have this thought at least twice a day. 

The thing about being a parent, is that every single one of your actions has an impact on your child in some way, shape or form. It is true that they are all born different and with their own unique personalities (my girls couldn't be more different) but by and large, children get along in life by watching and mimicking the behaviour that they observe most often - usually the behaviour of their parents. 

As parents we get an 18 year time slot to create good people who are kind and compassionate, responsible and independent and who use their own initiative to get by successfully in life. We want our children to be happy and healthy when they finally leave home, so that we can trust that they will always know how to make the right choices and do the right things. That way, when they do finally fly the nest we will feel safe in the knowledge that they are ok and maybe we will be able to finally relax a little bit. 

To me that seems to be a bit of a tall order. No one teaches you how to create these wonderfully well rounded, complete people. There is no exam to take before becoming a parent, you don't really get a tutor or a mentor, it's just a case of trial and error, especially with the first child! This seems totally crazy. It is the most important responsibility you can ever really receive - and yet no onehelps you learn how to do it.

I always felt very fortunate in that I had a background in psychology and education and was also undergoing teacher training during Bella's early years. I had spent a long time learning about child development and behaviour and always tried to put what I had learnt into my parenting style. Being more informed definitely helped me feel confident to parent Bella in my own way, but I didn't expect it to also have a negative impact on the way that I felt as a parent.

Having a deeper understanding of how children develop and knowing how much your actions can impact them and their behaviour, has opened me up to a whole world of guilt. I almost feel like I know too much and so,on the days when I just don't have the energy to reason with my children and explain my actions (and believe me they happen frequently) I find that I am suddenly overwhelmed by an enormous feeling of guilt and self loathing. I can never seem to get anything 100% right.

I don't believe it is right to shout at your children. It frightens them, but also shows them that you are no longer in control of the situation. That doesn't mean that I don't shout at them sometimes. Because I am human. But because my beliefs are so strong, because of what I have been taught, I feel absolutely awful when I have lost my temper and shouted.

What I do make sure of though, is that if ever I have yelled, I apologise to my children and explain my actions. I then go back to finding ways of trying to ensure that I don't have to shout at them in order to manage their behaviour.

The thing I have found out about my children is that they are like little mirrors that reflect the mood around them. If I am stressed and angry then their behaviour will reflect that. Likewise if I am always shouting, their average volume level will also always be high. So I try so hard to always be calm and consistent and to always have very clear expectations of my children's behaviour.

When Bella turned two I learnt two techniques that made managing behaviour so much more simple and effective. I trained at a school that had a set of 'golden rules' that every child and teacher followed religiously. These are the ones that I decided to use very day:

We listen

We are kind and gentle

We always tell the truth

We always try our best

We look after property

The rules/statements are really positive, as they look at what we do do, rather than what we don't do. Everyone in our house follows them, not just our children and they are used consistently every day.

I have found over the past five years, that every kind of negative behaviour can be related back to at least one of these rules. 

When the girls are following one of the rules really well, we give them lots of praise and talk about it. Bella loves this, as she now does it with Connie.

When they are choosing not to follow them however, we give them a very clear warning (here is where it gets a bit 'supernanny'. After giving the warning we explain that if the choose to carry on behaving in the same way, they will be put on time out. If they continue, they are removed from the situation and taken to a quiet area of the house. They are the given time to sit and think about why they are there. A minute for ever year of their life - so Bella gets five minutes for example.

We don't interact with them while they are there, and once they are finished we discuss why they were put there and ask them to apologise for the choice that they made. By doing this we are explaining that it is the choice and behaviour that we are cross with, not the child (this is also why we call it time out, and not the naughty step). We find that removing the child from the situation also gives us a bit of time out and prevents us from loosing our temper. Once the behaviour has been dealt with, we move on and get back to what we are doing.

As previously mentioned, we have used this consistently for about four years and it has always worked. Even now that Bella is older, she still hates the idea of being sat on her own for five minutes. Most of the time we only need to give a warning and the actual time out itself isn't required.

It doesn't work for every child though, because every child and family is different. I think that it's just a case of finding something that works for you and being consitant with it. 

Even though Steve and I have found something that works with the girls, we still make mistakes. We lose our temper, forget to give warnings or sometimes forget to follow through with a warning we have given. It's usually a recipe for disaster and things often go on to get worse before they get better!

No parent is perfect, we certainly aren't. We are all learning at the end of the day, and trying to find something that works. The guilt and worry are unavoidable and if you aren't full of self doubt then you probably aren't doing your job properly!

If you are always thinking about whether or not you are doing the right thing, if you go to bed feeling as though you haven't been the best parent in the world today, but will give it a bloody good shot tomorrow, then you are already doing better than you think you are. It means that you are reflecting, that you care enough about your role as a parent to try to find ways of being better at it.

None of us are perfect, being a parent is the hardest thing you will ever do. We all just need to remind ourselves and each other that we are all trying our best - isn't that what we would remind our own children to do if they were finding something tricky? 

Danielle 

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Pain - Dan, stop squeezing my hand, it hurts.

'Danielle, stop squeezing my hand it hurts’, a sentence once uttered was instantly met with a stare more venomous than that of Medusa. 

Childbirth is painful, there are no two ways around it, it just is. Now the pain comes in many ways but the pain I am going to talk about is the physical pain of giving birth and how best to help your partner through it. Because let’s face it, a bruised hand and an uncomfortable chair is about the worst you will have to deal with. Unless you faint. Try not to.

To be more use to your partner during her labour you have to try and understand the pain your partner is going through. And no, I can guarantee it is nothing like that time you got kicked in the nuts.

So to explain the pain felt during childbirth, well…. I can’t. Because to those less observant as a man, I have yet to give experience it. All the analogies of passing your head through a brick wall or pooping a football don’t make sense. Mainly because I would not try to pass my head through a brick wall and hopefully I will never have to poop a football. All we need to know is that the pain they are going through is bad, and by bad it is the worst pain any of us could imagine. However it does have a time limit and will all be over at some point.

So for all birthing partners I have complied a couple of tips to help you help your partner get to the other side.

1.   Don’t moan. Heck even if you have two broken legs in casts, a migraine that is causing you to almost black out and your constipated, it won't compare. You and your sore bum are of no concern to your partner, or the midwife.

2.   Be wary of what you eat in the labour ward. Your partner is mid contraction with searing bolts of pain going through her body and all she can smell is your cheese and onion Pringles. Big no no, I learnt this one the hard way. Danielle's Mum, best friend Lou and I were screamed at by what I would love to say was Danielle. But the being on the bed was more similar to a large gremlin with a strong dislike to cheese and onion Pringles. If you need to eat, make sure it does not smell, does not make a noise and when you eat be as discreet as possible.

3.   When she makes a demand, do it! ‘What do you mean hold your knee whilst patting your head and rubbing your tummy?’ The demands your partner make will most probably make no sense but it is your job to do them. She might not be completely herself right now. There is a child coming out if her. Would you be?

4.   Don’t laugh. Well laughter is good, it helps distract. But if you are going to, do it when you know she will laugh with you. No matter how funny it is that she just farted mid contraction, now is not a good time. She will murder you.

5.   If she panics and/or just cries. Calm her down, quotes like ‘man up’ or ‘strap on a pair’ do not help. This isn’t Rugby, this is childbirth. You need to hold her hand, arm, leg, anything she wants and talk to her. The midwife and doctor will do so much talking, but they have a job to do so will be quiet at different points. These moments can sometimes cause a bit of panic, you need to keep the talking going even if it’s repeating what the doctors have said. I remember when the talking stopped and Danielle looked at me with eyes of panic and all I could say was ' breath, keep breathing' over and over until the midwife or Doctor started again. It won’t stop the pain, but it will keep their mind occupied.

6.   Never leave her on her own. As soon as you get her to the hospital make sure someone is always with her. Time your toilet breaks, all I can say is being in so much pain is a scary time and to be left on your own whilst you send a log down stream or drain the spuds is not good. It only takes a moment and one hard contraction to turn the most sensible headed pregnant woman into a bubbling mess.

7.   Be there with them. Put the phone down, twit twat and bookface won’t disappear. If your partner gets a sudden contraction she will want you there, not ‘let me finish this post’. There is plenty of time for that later, you will even have a picture to put up that is better than last nights dinner.

The pain is hard, all I ever wanted to do was to swap places with Danielle and take her pain away. There will not be an awful lot that you can do, but the small things help. This is your partners hour of need and you have to be there 100% there are no excuses.

Once all is said and done and your partner has given birth to your newborn, she will be thankful. Kiss her forehead, tell her how beautiful she is, and how proud you are of her, and enjoy that gorgeous baby.

Steve

Family, Food and Sunshine

We have been really surprised so far this week, at how easy it has been to keep within a daily £3 budget.

The less we spend on each activity, the more fun we seem to have. All Bella has spoken about to friends and family lately was the day we built the pirate ship, and our trip to Neverland, and on that day we didn't leave the house, and spent absolutely nothing.

Setting ourselves a strict budget has meant that we have had to be really creative with how we spend the days. We have also found that we have spent far more time interacting with the girls, making a bigger deal out of simple activities rather than flying through expensive and unsatisfying  time fillers. 

Today we went to feed the ducks with Nannie and Grandad Ben. We spent hours playing in the sun, talking and enjoying each other's company and we couldn't have wished for a nicer day. 

The girls both spent a long time just watching the ducks and the way that they behaved on the lake. Bella spent time giving the swans little voices and characters, which was highly amusing. One very handsome duck (who Bella christened 'Steve') had fluffed up his feathers and was clearly trying to attract a mate. Bella couldn't stop laughing as she gave him an Elvis like voice, and did impressions of him trying to chat the lady swans up!

Connie mainly enjoyed learning to say new words like, swan, duck, white, swimming and lake. She did get a bit close at one point, but I think the swan was more frightened than she was.

Who'd have thought that a strutting swan could cause so much laughter! 

The best thing about today was just spending time together as a family. Good people, good weather and good food. What's not to love?

We did try to take some nice family photos, but my lovely Mother kept trying to photo bomb each one!

Money spent: £2.20 (we shared a portion of chips)

Coffees required: none

Bella's review: 9/10 (she didn't get an ice-cream)

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Childbirth - from both ends of the bed

There are many things that we both wish we had known about childbirth before we experienced it. Both times.

We are not going to pretend to be able to prepare you for the birth of your child, as every labour is different. We definitely weren't prepared for the births of our children and that was even after reading the parenting books and hearing every anecdotal tale going.

What we can do however, is tell you about some of the things that we learnt while on the front line of childbirth. Hopefully our experiences will lend you an insight into what’s in store, possibly tell you something you didn't already know or, at the very least give you a little giggle at our expense.

Over the coming weeks we will be compiling a group of short and sweet blogs that cover the many different aspects of childbirth that shocked, frightened, grossed-out and amused us, from afterbirth to episiotomies.

We will be covering each topic from both ‘ends of the bed’ so basically from my point of view and Danielle’s. Hopefully this will help us to give Mum’s and anyone else attending the birth (Dads, partners, Mums, aunts, camera men etc) a head’s up on what to expect.

If there are any specific topics that you would like us to cover please drop us a line and let us know.

 Here is a list of some of what’s to come:

Pain - Dan, stop squeezing my hand, it hurts.

Induction - You’re going to put WHAT up WHERE?

Birthing plans - The benefits of having one and then not following it.

Dignity - To wax or not to wax? That is the question. It's okay Dan, they've seen it all before.

Afterbirth - What is seen can never be unseen.

Breastfeeding -  The joys of watching them grow.

Trust - It’s their job, they know what they’re doing.

Are we there yet? - Bring supplies and a change of pants, this might take a while.

The joys of being a Birthing Partner - how to eat, breath and exist without annoying her.

Episiotomies - When the time comes to reach for the scissors.

Group B Strep - Group B what?

Afterwards - Coming home.

Thanks for reading,

Steve.

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A bit lost

When some people have children, they seem to undergo a lovely transformation and become social butterflies. 

These butterflies always seem to have a baby group to go to or a tight-nit circle of other butterfly friends to go and see. Their babies are usually inundated with playdate invitations and they always seem happy.

I was not one of these people. 

During Bella's first year I was ok. I didn't have many 'mummy friends' as many of my friends hadn't had children yet. It was ok though, I was surrounded by my housemates and friends on my course. 

Bella was the only baby at Royal Holloway so in terms of popularity she would have rivalled Prince George. We always had friends popping in to see us or inviting us out for picnics and I was always busy.

When I had Connie however, I was in a totally different position. After an extremely hectic four years of training and teaching, I suddenly found myself with nothing to do. The maternity leave that I had been so looking forward to, almost felt like a bit of a prison sentence.

It dawned on me after bringing Connie home, that I would now be alone for the magority of my time.

By alone, what I mean is being without other adults. I was obviously with Connie all of the time, but I found myself really craving adult company and just didn't know how to find new friends. 

The social butterflies usually consisted of groups of Mums that had been friends for years. Most of them had magically all fallen pregnant at roughly the same  time. I didn't fit in with those groups really,  and I knew never would. 

I suddenly felt like I was back at school. A bit lost and a bit lonely. 

I used to spend the day walking around shopping centres with Connie and sitting in coffee shops praying for someone to talk to me. I only ever really sat down to breastfeed Connie, which seemed to put people off of striking up a conversation with me. I think it made them a bit nervous. Although this may well have all been in my head as I did find breast feeding in public a bit scary at first.

The only friends I seemed to be making were the people working behind the counter at Starbucks.

Going to mother and baby groups really did make a difference to how I was feeling, although it did take a while to get the ball rolling.

When I first started going to mother and baby groups I wasn't keen. I didn't really know how to introduce myself and mainly just spoke about Connie.

I kept going though. I tried out different groups and met as many new parents as I could. After a few weeks I found an incredibly like minded new friend who absolutely got me through that year. We bonded over a love of good coffee and our mutual feeling of total 'lostness'. Most importantly, we gave each other a reason to leave the house. I wouldn't have met that friend if I hadn't kept trying.

Being a new parent can be lonely and isolating whether you are single or in a relationship. 

Of course every experience is unique, but these are some of the things that helped me feel happier during the first part of my maternity leave....

Getting out of the house is an absolute must. Go for a walk - anywhere. The fresh air will do you and the baby so much good. Being out and about will give you lots of things to talk to your baby about and he/she will love learning all of your facial expressions and features while you talk. 

Speak to your health visitor about local groups early on. Not only will she point you in the right direction, she might also be able to pair you up with someone with the same interests and give you a head start. 

Actually go to a few of the groups that are available to you. If not for you than for your baby. It's so good for them to learn new faces, songs and to take in all of the interaction. The groups are actually quite fun to be honest you do end up learning lots from the other parents and there are usually refreshments. People actually bring cake. What's not to love?

Be honest with the friends and family you already have. If you're feeling lonely, tell them. They might have been standing back because they didn't want to overcrowd you. They won't know how you're feeling unless you actually tell them. 

Try to take some time for yourself each day to do something that makes you feel as though you are still moving forward. Read something, learn a new skill, put a face pack on - whatever, just do something that makes you happy.

Most of all, remember you really are never alone - because your baby will always be near to you. When you are feeling lonely take some time to enjoy your baby. They really don't stay little for long. Enjoy the all of the cuddles and snuggles while they last, because once they hit six they will be far too busy with their friends, climbing trees, building Lego and having fun, to notice you. Bella only hugs me when there's chocolate involved. 

To those who have taken to parenthood like ducks to water, keep an eye out for the ones that look a bit lost. They might just be waiting for a new friend to introduce themselves.

Danielle

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