I am a Rubbish Mother

I have this thought at least twice a day. 

The thing about being a parent, is that every single one of your actions has an impact on your child in some way, shape or form. It is true that they are all born different and with their own unique personalities (my girls couldn't be more different) but by and large, children get along in life by watching and mimicking the behaviour that they observe most often - usually the behaviour of their parents. 

As parents we get an 18 year time slot to create good people who are kind and compassionate, responsible and independent and who use their own initiative to get by successfully in life. We want our children to be happy and healthy when they finally leave home, so that we can trust that they will always know how to make the right choices and do the right things. That way, when they do finally fly the nest we will feel safe in the knowledge that they are ok and maybe we will be able to finally relax a little bit. 

To me that seems to be a bit of a tall order. No one teaches you how to create these wonderfully well rounded, complete people. There is no exam to take before becoming a parent, you don't really get a tutor or a mentor, it's just a case of trial and error, especially with the first child! This seems totally crazy. It is the most important responsibility you can ever really receive - and yet no onehelps you learn how to do it.

I always felt very fortunate in that I had a background in psychology and education and was also undergoing teacher training during Bella's early years. I had spent a long time learning about child development and behaviour and always tried to put what I had learnt into my parenting style. Being more informed definitely helped me feel confident to parent Bella in my own way, but I didn't expect it to also have a negative impact on the way that I felt as a parent.

Having a deeper understanding of how children develop and knowing how much your actions can impact them and their behaviour, has opened me up to a whole world of guilt. I almost feel like I know too much and so,on the days when I just don't have the energy to reason with my children and explain my actions (and believe me they happen frequently) I find that I am suddenly overwhelmed by an enormous feeling of guilt and self loathing. I can never seem to get anything 100% right.

I don't believe it is right to shout at your children. It frightens them, but also shows them that you are no longer in control of the situation. That doesn't mean that I don't shout at them sometimes. Because I am human. But because my beliefs are so strong, because of what I have been taught, I feel absolutely awful when I have lost my temper and shouted.

What I do make sure of though, is that if ever I have yelled, I apologise to my children and explain my actions. I then go back to finding ways of trying to ensure that I don't have to shout at them in order to manage their behaviour.

The thing I have found out about my children is that they are like little mirrors that reflect the mood around them. If I am stressed and angry then their behaviour will reflect that. Likewise if I am always shouting, their average volume level will also always be high. So I try so hard to always be calm and consistent and to always have very clear expectations of my children's behaviour.

When Bella turned two I learnt two techniques that made managing behaviour so much more simple and effective. I trained at a school that had a set of 'golden rules' that every child and teacher followed religiously. These are the ones that I decided to use very day:

We listen

We are kind and gentle

We always tell the truth

We always try our best

We look after property

The rules/statements are really positive, as they look at what we do do, rather than what we don't do. Everyone in our house follows them, not just our children and they are used consistently every day.

I have found over the past five years, that every kind of negative behaviour can be related back to at least one of these rules. 

When the girls are following one of the rules really well, we give them lots of praise and talk about it. Bella loves this, as she now does it with Connie.

When they are choosing not to follow them however, we give them a very clear warning (here is where it gets a bit 'supernanny'. After giving the warning we explain that if the choose to carry on behaving in the same way, they will be put on time out. If they continue, they are removed from the situation and taken to a quiet area of the house. They are the given time to sit and think about why they are there. A minute for ever year of their life - so Bella gets five minutes for example.

We don't interact with them while they are there, and once they are finished we discuss why they were put there and ask them to apologise for the choice that they made. By doing this we are explaining that it is the choice and behaviour that we are cross with, not the child (this is also why we call it time out, and not the naughty step). We find that removing the child from the situation also gives us a bit of time out and prevents us from loosing our temper. Once the behaviour has been dealt with, we move on and get back to what we are doing.

As previously mentioned, we have used this consistently for about four years and it has always worked. Even now that Bella is older, she still hates the idea of being sat on her own for five minutes. Most of the time we only need to give a warning and the actual time out itself isn't required.

It doesn't work for every child though, because every child and family is different. I think that it's just a case of finding something that works for you and being consitant with it. 

Even though Steve and I have found something that works with the girls, we still make mistakes. We lose our temper, forget to give warnings or sometimes forget to follow through with a warning we have given. It's usually a recipe for disaster and things often go on to get worse before they get better!

No parent is perfect, we certainly aren't. We are all learning at the end of the day, and trying to find something that works. The guilt and worry are unavoidable and if you aren't full of self doubt then you probably aren't doing your job properly!

If you are always thinking about whether or not you are doing the right thing, if you go to bed feeling as though you haven't been the best parent in the world today, but will give it a bloody good shot tomorrow, then you are already doing better than you think you are. It means that you are reflecting, that you care enough about your role as a parent to try to find ways of being better at it.

None of us are perfect, being a parent is the hardest thing you will ever do. We all just need to remind ourselves and each other that we are all trying our best - isn't that what we would remind our own children to do if they were finding something tricky? 

Danielle 

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Pain - Dan, stop squeezing my hand, it hurts.

'Danielle, stop squeezing my hand it hurts’, a sentence once uttered was instantly met with a stare more venomous than that of Medusa. 

Childbirth is painful, there are no two ways around it, it just is. Now the pain comes in many ways but the pain I am going to talk about is the physical pain of giving birth and how best to help your partner through it. Because let’s face it, a bruised hand and an uncomfortable chair is about the worst you will have to deal with. Unless you faint. Try not to.

To be more use to your partner during her labour you have to try and understand the pain your partner is going through. And no, I can guarantee it is nothing like that time you got kicked in the nuts.

So to explain the pain felt during childbirth, well…. I can’t. Because to those less observant as a man, I have yet to give experience it. All the analogies of passing your head through a brick wall or pooping a football don’t make sense. Mainly because I would not try to pass my head through a brick wall and hopefully I will never have to poop a football. All we need to know is that the pain they are going through is bad, and by bad it is the worst pain any of us could imagine. However it does have a time limit and will all be over at some point.

So for all birthing partners I have complied a couple of tips to help you help your partner get to the other side.

1.   Don’t moan. Heck even if you have two broken legs in casts, a migraine that is causing you to almost black out and your constipated, it won't compare. You and your sore bum are of no concern to your partner, or the midwife.

2.   Be wary of what you eat in the labour ward. Your partner is mid contraction with searing bolts of pain going through her body and all she can smell is your cheese and onion Pringles. Big no no, I learnt this one the hard way. Danielle's Mum, best friend Lou and I were screamed at by what I would love to say was Danielle. But the being on the bed was more similar to a large gremlin with a strong dislike to cheese and onion Pringles. If you need to eat, make sure it does not smell, does not make a noise and when you eat be as discreet as possible.

3.   When she makes a demand, do it! ‘What do you mean hold your knee whilst patting your head and rubbing your tummy?’ The demands your partner make will most probably make no sense but it is your job to do them. She might not be completely herself right now. There is a child coming out if her. Would you be?

4.   Don’t laugh. Well laughter is good, it helps distract. But if you are going to, do it when you know she will laugh with you. No matter how funny it is that she just farted mid contraction, now is not a good time. She will murder you.

5.   If she panics and/or just cries. Calm her down, quotes like ‘man up’ or ‘strap on a pair’ do not help. This isn’t Rugby, this is childbirth. You need to hold her hand, arm, leg, anything she wants and talk to her. The midwife and doctor will do so much talking, but they have a job to do so will be quiet at different points. These moments can sometimes cause a bit of panic, you need to keep the talking going even if it’s repeating what the doctors have said. I remember when the talking stopped and Danielle looked at me with eyes of panic and all I could say was ' breath, keep breathing' over and over until the midwife or Doctor started again. It won’t stop the pain, but it will keep their mind occupied.

6.   Never leave her on her own. As soon as you get her to the hospital make sure someone is always with her. Time your toilet breaks, all I can say is being in so much pain is a scary time and to be left on your own whilst you send a log down stream or drain the spuds is not good. It only takes a moment and one hard contraction to turn the most sensible headed pregnant woman into a bubbling mess.

7.   Be there with them. Put the phone down, twit twat and bookface won’t disappear. If your partner gets a sudden contraction she will want you there, not ‘let me finish this post’. There is plenty of time for that later, you will even have a picture to put up that is better than last nights dinner.

The pain is hard, all I ever wanted to do was to swap places with Danielle and take her pain away. There will not be an awful lot that you can do, but the small things help. This is your partners hour of need and you have to be there 100% there are no excuses.

Once all is said and done and your partner has given birth to your newborn, she will be thankful. Kiss her forehead, tell her how beautiful she is, and how proud you are of her, and enjoy that gorgeous baby.

Steve

Family, Food and Sunshine

We have been really surprised so far this week, at how easy it has been to keep within a daily £3 budget.

The less we spend on each activity, the more fun we seem to have. All Bella has spoken about to friends and family lately was the day we built the pirate ship, and our trip to Neverland, and on that day we didn't leave the house, and spent absolutely nothing.

Setting ourselves a strict budget has meant that we have had to be really creative with how we spend the days. We have also found that we have spent far more time interacting with the girls, making a bigger deal out of simple activities rather than flying through expensive and unsatisfying  time fillers. 

Today we went to feed the ducks with Nannie and Grandad Ben. We spent hours playing in the sun, talking and enjoying each other's company and we couldn't have wished for a nicer day. 

The girls both spent a long time just watching the ducks and the way that they behaved on the lake. Bella spent time giving the swans little voices and characters, which was highly amusing. One very handsome duck (who Bella christened 'Steve') had fluffed up his feathers and was clearly trying to attract a mate. Bella couldn't stop laughing as she gave him an Elvis like voice, and did impressions of him trying to chat the lady swans up!

Connie mainly enjoyed learning to say new words like, swan, duck, white, swimming and lake. She did get a bit close at one point, but I think the swan was more frightened than she was.

Who'd have thought that a strutting swan could cause so much laughter! 

The best thing about today was just spending time together as a family. Good people, good weather and good food. What's not to love?

We did try to take some nice family photos, but my lovely Mother kept trying to photo bomb each one!

Money spent: £2.20 (we shared a portion of chips)

Coffees required: none

Bella's review: 9/10 (she didn't get an ice-cream)

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Childbirth - from both ends of the bed

There are many things that we both wish we had known about childbirth before we experienced it. Both times.

We are not going to pretend to be able to prepare you for the birth of your child, as every labour is different. We definitely weren't prepared for the births of our children and that was even after reading the parenting books and hearing every anecdotal tale going.

What we can do however, is tell you about some of the things that we learnt while on the front line of childbirth. Hopefully our experiences will lend you an insight into what’s in store, possibly tell you something you didn't already know or, at the very least give you a little giggle at our expense.

Over the coming weeks we will be compiling a group of short and sweet blogs that cover the many different aspects of childbirth that shocked, frightened, grossed-out and amused us, from afterbirth to episiotomies.

We will be covering each topic from both ‘ends of the bed’ so basically from my point of view and Danielle’s. Hopefully this will help us to give Mum’s and anyone else attending the birth (Dads, partners, Mums, aunts, camera men etc) a head’s up on what to expect.

If there are any specific topics that you would like us to cover please drop us a line and let us know.

 Here is a list of some of what’s to come:

Pain - Dan, stop squeezing my hand, it hurts.

Induction - You’re going to put WHAT up WHERE?

Birthing plans - The benefits of having one and then not following it.

Dignity - To wax or not to wax? That is the question. It's okay Dan, they've seen it all before.

Afterbirth - What is seen can never be unseen.

Breastfeeding -  The joys of watching them grow.

Trust - It’s their job, they know what they’re doing.

Are we there yet? - Bring supplies and a change of pants, this might take a while.

The joys of being a Birthing Partner - how to eat, breath and exist without annoying her.

Episiotomies - When the time comes to reach for the scissors.

Group B Strep - Group B what?

Afterwards - Coming home.

Thanks for reading,

Steve.

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A bit lost

When some people have children, they seem to undergo a lovely transformation and become social butterflies. 

These butterflies always seem to have a baby group to go to or a tight-nit circle of other butterfly friends to go and see. Their babies are usually inundated with playdate invitations and they always seem happy.

I was not one of these people. 

During Bella's first year I was ok. I didn't have many 'mummy friends' as many of my friends hadn't had children yet. It was ok though, I was surrounded by my housemates and friends on my course. 

Bella was the only baby at Royal Holloway so in terms of popularity she would have rivalled Prince George. We always had friends popping in to see us or inviting us out for picnics and I was always busy.

When I had Connie however, I was in a totally different position. After an extremely hectic four years of training and teaching, I suddenly found myself with nothing to do. The maternity leave that I had been so looking forward to, almost felt like a bit of a prison sentence.

It dawned on me after bringing Connie home, that I would now be alone for the magority of my time.

By alone, what I mean is being without other adults. I was obviously with Connie all of the time, but I found myself really craving adult company and just didn't know how to find new friends. 

The social butterflies usually consisted of groups of Mums that had been friends for years. Most of them had magically all fallen pregnant at roughly the same  time. I didn't fit in with those groups really,  and I knew never would. 

I suddenly felt like I was back at school. A bit lost and a bit lonely. 

I used to spend the day walking around shopping centres with Connie and sitting in coffee shops praying for someone to talk to me. I only ever really sat down to breastfeed Connie, which seemed to put people off of striking up a conversation with me. I think it made them a bit nervous. Although this may well have all been in my head as I did find breast feeding in public a bit scary at first.

The only friends I seemed to be making were the people working behind the counter at Starbucks.

Going to mother and baby groups really did make a difference to how I was feeling, although it did take a while to get the ball rolling.

When I first started going to mother and baby groups I wasn't keen. I didn't really know how to introduce myself and mainly just spoke about Connie.

I kept going though. I tried out different groups and met as many new parents as I could. After a few weeks I found an incredibly like minded new friend who absolutely got me through that year. We bonded over a love of good coffee and our mutual feeling of total 'lostness'. Most importantly, we gave each other a reason to leave the house. I wouldn't have met that friend if I hadn't kept trying.

Being a new parent can be lonely and isolating whether you are single or in a relationship. 

Of course every experience is unique, but these are some of the things that helped me feel happier during the first part of my maternity leave....

Getting out of the house is an absolute must. Go for a walk - anywhere. The fresh air will do you and the baby so much good. Being out and about will give you lots of things to talk to your baby about and he/she will love learning all of your facial expressions and features while you talk. 

Speak to your health visitor about local groups early on. Not only will she point you in the right direction, she might also be able to pair you up with someone with the same interests and give you a head start. 

Actually go to a few of the groups that are available to you. If not for you than for your baby. It's so good for them to learn new faces, songs and to take in all of the interaction. The groups are actually quite fun to be honest you do end up learning lots from the other parents and there are usually refreshments. People actually bring cake. What's not to love?

Be honest with the friends and family you already have. If you're feeling lonely, tell them. They might have been standing back because they didn't want to overcrowd you. They won't know how you're feeling unless you actually tell them. 

Try to take some time for yourself each day to do something that makes you feel as though you are still moving forward. Read something, learn a new skill, put a face pack on - whatever, just do something that makes you happy.

Most of all, remember you really are never alone - because your baby will always be near to you. When you are feeling lonely take some time to enjoy your baby. They really don't stay little for long. Enjoy the all of the cuddles and snuggles while they last, because once they hit six they will be far too busy with their friends, climbing trees, building Lego and having fun, to notice you. Bella only hugs me when there's chocolate involved. 

To those who have taken to parenthood like ducks to water, keep an eye out for the ones that look a bit lost. They might just be waiting for a new friend to introduce themselves.

Danielle

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A bun in the oven

I remember posting a status on Facebook when I was pregnant with Bella - something to do with cooking buns. It was my own secret little way of saying - I'm having a baby, yay!

Back then I had just turned nineteen. I was around six weeks pregnant and in my second year of university. As I'm sure Steve will tell you, it wasn't a happy time. We were both terrified for so many reasons and staring into a massive black hole of uncertainty.

Of two things however, I was absolutely certain:

1. I was keeping the baby
2. I was going to blooming well graduate from university with a degree that would help me become a teacher and provide for my child.

At that point I just didn't quite know how I was going to do it. I just, sort of plodded along, dragging myself to lectures while trying not to fall asleep or vomit.

At around five months into the pregnancy, things were looking bleak. It all got too much for Steve and we broke up. Something which at the time seemed like the cruellest most unkind torture, but which brought us back together as a formidable force a year later (I'll get to that part another time, it's a long story).

So… Now I was alone. I did have the support of my friends and family but as with anyone you are close to - you can always see what their true feelings are by the looks on their faces. They were all extremely anxious.

Some didn't mind telling me how worried they were for my future and for that of my baby. I was told by many that it would be easier for me to give university up altogether. Some even said that I was selfish for planning to carry on with my studies with a child. I was accused of draining peoples taxes before the baby was even born. Some incredibly unkind people informed me that I was going to ruin my life as well as the lives of those closest to me.

For a group of 'grown ups' they certainly were naive.

Being young and pregnant does not automatically mean that you have failed and should pack it all in. If you have decided to study, and you still want to do it then blooming well go and do it! I'm not saying that carrying on with your education while gestating a baby is for everyone, and I'm also not saying that those that don't choose to continue are worth any less than those that do.

What I am saying, shouting, screaming even, is that it is not as impossible as it seems. If you want anything badly enough than it can be achieved.

1. Get determined

It really is all about how much you want it. There will be days when you haven’t slept, the house is a mess and you have a whopper of an essay to write - and on those days you need to have your goal so clearly fixed in your head that the passion alone overtakes. 

For me it was the image of Bella being older and one day visiting my classroom. This would be the moment when I would know we had made it. I would be able to show Bella what all of our hard work was for. I would be able to act as the role model that she needed. She would grow up knowing just how strong women can be. She would be provided for, happy and proud.

2. Get informed and make a plan.

Phone your campus (be it your school, college or Uni) and find out if there is any support available for someone in your position. Usually there are access to learning grants that can help you continue to study. If you are in college or at university there are also grants, bursaries and loans that can help with child care. The people who help you access the support are also there to keep you going. Show them how much you want and need to be there, and they will go out if there way to make it happen for you. My access to learning manager cried when I got my grant sent through as she knew just how much it meant to me. We both cried together actually . It was an emotional moment.

3. Get strong

Tell your family, friends and anyone who'll listen about your plan, even if you haven't quite filled in the blanks. If they know that you are crystal clear about what you want, and how you are going to try and get it, they will relax a bit and then they will back you. If you are determined, they will be determined to help you. Plus the more you talk about your plan, the more certain and clear you will feel and that clarity will keep you going.

4. Get positive

This is a pretty good one for life in general. Having a thankful outlook on life is the difference between a good day and a rubbish one. Yes, they were days when I moaned, of course there were. I missed Steve, I was tired, my body ached, I had essays to write - I had a long list of things to complain about. Then a friend of mine challenged me to make a list if things I was thankful for every single morning and night and it totally changed my way of thinking. I had a support network, a roof over my head, food in my belly, a healthy baby and access to an education, all the other little things were an added bonus. Thinking this way helped me to stay determined and to visualise my goals in a positive and excited way. To that friend, you know exactly who you are, thank you.
5. Get Support

I'm not just talking about a good set M&S maternity undies here (although supportive underwear is well worth the money when you have a 9 pound baby doing the Time Warp in your womb) I'm talking about friends.

The thing about being very young and pregnant, is that you quickly find out who your true friends are. People handle pregnancy in lots of different ways - especially young people. I automatically lost a good proportion of my 'friends' who just couldn't handle the situation I was in. That sucked at the time, but I'm really grateful it happened as it sort of separated the men from the boys if you catch my drift?
The friends that I was left with were truly incredible and Steve and I both owe so much to them. I moved in with three absolutely wonderful people who were both there throughout the whole pregnancy, Bella's birth and her first year.

We were all studying at the same university and them moving in with me meant that I could afford to stay and carry on with my course.

The three of us had no clue what we were doing, but we got through it together,  laughing every day, and I never felt alone.

Just having someone to talk to, to celebrate the milestones with, to remind you of who you are (having a baby kind of zaps your identity a bit), to drag you out of the house or take the baby for half an hour while you sleep or wash or read. Your close friends will always remind you of how far you have come, and how much you have achieved - they always have your corner. Equally they will ways tell you when to suck it up and get on with it. In a nice way.

I wasn't the only one who benefited from my incredible friends. Bella spent her first year surrounded by a group of the most kind, interesting and out going people and I really do think that this has set her up for life. It definately helped that I was doing a degree Drama and Theatre. She was exposed to a lot of pretty cool people who are still a huge part of our lives now - our wedding photos are living proof of that.

This is Lou and Luke at Bella's birth.

Bella's Godfathers Luke and Neil.

6. Get inspired

Talk to other young mothers about what they love about motherhood and how they deal with it. If you can find other women that have been in the same boat as you then that's a massive bonus too.

We did it! This is Bella and I at my graduation.

And again when I graduated with a Post Graduate Certificate in Education. 

This is where Bella spent the first year of her life. Royal Holloway University.

There is nothing that can prepare you for parenthood. It will hit you hard at any age, no matter your situation. I raised Bella alone for the first year and then with Steve for the rest and both situations came with their own challenges. 

Whatever your age or situation though, you are totally not alone, and although I'm not promoting that young couples have babies while at school or university I am saying that it certainly isn't impossible. 

As long as you are doing everything in your power to be a strong role model for your child, you are doing a great job. 

Danielle.

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The Accidental Parent Guide - An Introduction

Parenthood, an excellent cover story for those individuals who don't want to grow up, who would rather spend their time jumping in puddles, building forts and playing on swings. Or so we were led to believe.

We are Danielle and Steve - two young parents, a carpenter and a teacher. We had our first daughter when we were 19 pimple covered, hormone laden and still in education. Our second daughter arrived when we were 24, living on a farm and both starting shiny new jobs.

Writing this blog has given us a way of reflecting upon where we have come from, where we are now, and where we are going. 

The Accidental Parent Guide has already been so much fun to plan and put together. Parenting is challenging at any age and there really is nothing that can prepare you for everything that it brings. 

Whilst sharing our everyday life with you - the ups, downs, failures and successes we hope to provide some inspiration and above all else a bit of entertainment.

Our home is a place where jumping on top of each other on the sofa is more important than a tidy floor, and a laughing child with a spaghetti covered face is valued more highly than a clean table. We do promise however, that somewhere amongst all of the silliness we have somehow managed to sneak in some 'proper' parenting - which hopefully might be of some use to others. We hope.

To Bella and Connie (our inspiration) we really hope that we don't embarrass you guys too much when you look back on this as adults, as we have already predicted that you will probably be a lot taller and more intimidating than us. We would love a nice care home, be kind......

-  Dan and Steve