“It’s okay Dan, they’ve seen it all before. “ This was my
response to Dan when she asked if I could come into the bathroom and help her
with some personal grooming (she had not seen the lower half of herself for
about three months and was beginning to feel a bit cross). With only a week or
two away from her due date Danielle wanted to make sure everything was in order
and my response was unsatisfactory to say the least.
Dignity. Everyone has it and everyone likes to keep it. No one likes
to feel like they are losing it, but unfortunately becoming a growing transportation
device for a baby and then being made to push said baby out of your downstairs, must, I can only imagine, make feel you a little low.
To put this in perspective
for those who have not experienced being pregnant, Danielle had told me to remember
how deflated I felt when I increased a jean size. I couldn’t say I was a slim
teenager any more, I had just gained weight and my jeans were an everyday
reminder that I had started to expand horizontally. Now if you were to times this feeling of
rubbish by about ten and imagine your clothes size increasing not once but
at least twice you might nearly be there. Then imagine the feeling of realising that the
one item of clothing you spent a whole day trying to find, that actually fitted your growing middle, suddenly also does not fit you any more. It all sucks a bit. To say the least!
Danielle taught me a lot about dignity during her pregnancy.
She had a way of making herself look awesome all the time, she did things that
gave her a sense of self-esteem and strength. Now being a man I could remove all
the good in the room in a blink of an eye by saying throwaway comments such as ‘yeah
you look fine’, or ‘come on we are running late’. Then I would spend the rest
of the day wondering what the hell I had done wrong and why she would be so grumpy
with me (if you decide to say its hormones, we will all mourn your untimely
death you fool).
So to help partners and friends who wish to live a little
longer during your partners/friends pregnancy, during the labour and after the
birth I have put out a couple of key pointers. If I was taught these before
Danielle got pregnant I would of probably not received the flying phone book to
the head or the days of deathly silence:
1. Make a concise effort to remind your
partner everyday of how beautiful she looks. I can hear you all moan at
this, ‘Steve, we can only say you look beautiful so much until it wears off.’
Well this is the twist, be inventive, how many times have you caught someone
checking you out or when you have felt like crap and someone hugs you. You know
that feeling, that little smile you get. That is what she needs, not a sonnet
every morning (although one every so often helps). Keep physical contact at a
high, even if it is just holding hands. Her body is changing and she just needs
you there to remind her how beautiful she is and that you still love and care.
Do say she looks beautiful too, especially when she has spent an hour shoehorning
herself into that dress. She will love you for it.
2. Go clothes, shoe, book, underwear, anything shopping (before you moan, it’s only for 9
months and the pain of going around shops is not as uncomfortable as gestating
a baby, so stop whinging and get on with it.) I was told retail therapy helps
a person feel good about themselves and after giving this a go I can tell you I
am living testament that this works. Just a couple of hours going around shops
and showing a bit of interest helps. You
might end up only buying a £5 pair of pumps, but it isn’t all about the
shoes, it’s about feeling human and restoring self-esteem. Some people go into
themselves when their body changes and they have no control, remember puberty….?
3. Help with all the things that are going to be
awkward, from putting shoes on to personal grooming. Quite simply, you try
strapping a basketball to your stomach and shaving your legs, with a half blunt
razor without cutting yourself. Not easy.
4. Take them out on dates or to places, remind them
of the person they were before they got pregnant. They will be changing so much
during the pregnancy and will change so much after giving birth. Reminding them of
who they are and what they enjoy is important. This won’t just help them but
will help your relationship remain strong and positive.
5. Help ease all and any pains they may feel, foot
rubs, back massages. These don’t have to be wondrously complicated ordeals (massage table,
candles, oils, that sort of thing) just a squeeze and a rub for 5 - 10 minutes can help
take things off your partners mind and help them relax. Again carrying a 25kg
bag of cement on your stomach all day leaves you sore and since you are
probably the one who put it there you owe her that much.
6. Get a stock full of comfortable
nighties (not for you). These are for the labour and birth. Danielle always had
two, one for labour/birth and one for after the birth (this was not even enough).
Remind yourself she has just pushed something out of her whilst screaming
through spittle covered lips and sweated more than you would if you were in a Sauna
with all of the Swedish (male/female, your preference) beach volleyball team.
The last thing she will want to do after having a shower is to get back into
the same blood, wee, pooh stained nightie. You could even go out and choose a nice set as a gift to her - then she can feel lovely in all of those first photos and when family come to visit.
Have a wash bag prepped and ready for her first shower after the birth (I guess this one will be for partners only). The first thing she will want to do after the labour is wash her hair and body and she will need your help with this because she will probably still be in pain and may not be able to stand up staight. Although there are seats in the showers, she will probably still need to lean on you, so you are going to end up getting a bit wet too! This first shower after labour is a messy one (best to let you know now) if she worries, reassure her that none of it bothers you, and that all you want to do is clean her up and get her back to her snuggly bed. Help her get dresses and dry her hair and get back to feeling a bit normal.
7. After the birth just hold her and remind her how
amazing she is, try not to go into the gory details of how she weed in the
doctors eye or how her face turned so blue she looked like that one from
Charlie and the Chocolate factory. She does not need to be reminded of these
feats just yet. You can save those stories for later, right now you need to
make her happy, give her the warm fuzzy feeling of pride and joy.
Being pregnant is a journey that is to be shared with your
partner/friend, not a trip one should take alone. Both times Danielle was
pregnant, she has been surrounded by people who care, support and love her. We
have all been through the wringer on this and the one thing I can honestly say
is it has brought us all closer together.
Steve
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