Pregnant at University

I was nineteen, in my second year of university and I was pregnant.

My boyfriend (of four years) and I had always felt like a pretty strong couple, at that moment in time however, we were terrified, completely lost and suddenly unable to imagine our situation unfolding into a positive future.

After a few months it all became too much for us to handle together and we broke up.

I found myself alone, scared and staring into a giant pit of uncertainty.

Of two things however, I was absolutely sure:

1. I was keeping the baby.

2. I was going to blooming well graduate from university and provide a stable and happy life for my child.

I just didn't quite know how I was going to do it.

I spent a good while plodding along, dragging myself to lectures while trying not to fall asleep, cry or vomit.

I did have the support of my friends and family but as with anyone you are close to - you can always see what their true feelings are by the looks on their faces. They were all extremely anxious.

Some didn't mind telling me how worried they were for my future. Many told me that it would be easier to give university altogether. Some said that I was selfish for planning to carry on with my studies with a child. I was accused of draining people’s taxes before the baby was even born. A few incredibly unkind people informed me that I was going to ruin my life as well as the lives of those around me.

For a group of 'grown ups' they certainly were naive. And wrong.

Being young and pregnant does not automatically mean that you have failed and should pack it all in. If you have decided to study, and you still want to do it, then go and do it! I'm not saying that studying hard while gestating a baby is for everyone, and I'm also not saying that those that don't choose to continue are worth any less than those that do.

What I am saying, shouting, screaming even, is that it is not impossible. If you want anything badly enough than it can be achieved.

Get determined

Nothing that comes easy is worth having. There will be days when you haven’t slept, the house is a mess and you have a whopper of an essay to write - and on those days you need to have your goal so clearly fixed in your head that the determination alone overtakes. 

For me it was the image of my child one day visiting my classroom and seeing me teach. This would be the moment when I would know we had made it. I would be able to show her what all of our hard work was for. She would grow up knowing just how strong women are. She would be provided for, happy and proud.

Get informed. Make a plan

Contact your campus support team and find out if there is any support available for someone in your position. Usually there are ‘access to learning’ grants that can help you continue to study. If you are in college or at university there are also grants, bursaries and loans that can help with child care. The people who help you access the support are also there to keep you going. Show them how much you want and need to be there, and they will go out if their way to make it happen for you. My access to learning manager cried when I got my grant sent through. We both did. It was an emotional moment!

Get strong

Tell your family, friends and anyone who'll listen about your plan, even if you haven't quite filled in the blanks. The more you talk about it, the more focused you will feel. If the people around you know that you are crystal clear about what you want, and can see how determined you are to get it, they will be just as determined to support you.

Get positive. Be thankful.

Having a thankful outlook on life is the difference between a good day and a rubbish one. Of course there were days when I moaned, and cried. I was tired, my body ached, I had essays to write - I had a long list of things to complain about. Then one day I decided to make a list if things I was thankful for every single day and it totally changed my way of thinking. I had a support network, a roof over my head, food in my belly, a healthy baby and access to an education. Thinking in this way helped me to stay positive, focused and determined.

Get Support

I'm not just talking about a good set maternity undies here (although supportive underwear is well worth the money when you have a baby elephant doing the Time Warp in your womb) I'm talking about friends.

People react to pregnancy in lots of different ways - especially young people. I automatically lost a good proportion of my 'friends' who couldn't handle my situation. That sucked at the time, but I'm really grateful it happened as it totally separated the men from the boys where friends were concerned.

The friends that I was left with were truly incredible and I owe so much to them. I moved in with two wonderful people who were there throughout the whole pregnancy and lived with my daughter and I for a year after that. The three of us had no clue what we were doing, but we got through it together, laughing every day, and I never felt alone.

Just having someone to talk to, to celebrate the milestones with, to drag me out of the house or take the baby for half an hour while I studied, made everything so much bearable. 

Your close friends will always remind you of how far you have come, and how much you have achieved. Equally they will ways tell you when to suck it up, stop whining and get on with it.

Get inspired

Talk to other young mothers about what they love about motherhood and how they deal with it. If you can find other women that have been in the same boat as you then that's a massive bonus too.

Always remember that nothing is impossible, and if I can do it, then you most definitely can too. If someone had told me on the day I looked down at that positive test, that I would graduate twice, marry my baby’s father and go on to have another two children while starting my own two businesses, I would have laughed in their face.

Just take it one day at a time, stay focused and remember that as long as you are doing everything in your power to be a strong role model for your child, you are doing a brilliant job.

We did it!

Graduating again with my daughter and a PGCE

The amazing friends that got me through

I'm turning into my Mother!

I seem to have reached a point in my life, where every time a catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, I am greeted by my mothers face.

Now this isn't a bad thing. My Mum is quite a looker. I just didn't realise that this transformation would happen so early on. I have recently caught myself saying a few of the phrases that she often said to me. Here are a few examples:

1. 'Don't put that there, you might burn the house down!' 

My Mum is an anxious woman, she finds the danger in ANY situation and worries 100% of the time. But she's often right. Don't put snow globes in the window. Just don't.

2. 'I'm not coming back to it' (general house mess)

Totally get this one. I say it at least 5 times a day. Coming back to a messy house sucks.

3. 'Let me just whip the hoover round a minute'

4. 'Can you just run upstairs and get me ................ your legs are younger than mine'

My Mother was in her twenties. Her knees were fine! We are both just a bit lazy.

5. 'You know I love you, but I need a night off'

I hated it when my Mum used to go out every once in a blue moon (massive separation anxiety). I'm so lucky that it doesn't bother the girls when I go out. They are usually glad to see the back of me!

6. 'Shut your eyes Dan'

This was usually said during the sex scene in Dirty Dancing, or the bits in the Indiana Jones films when the baddies were being killed. Although Mum thought she was protecting me it actually terrified me. After watching those films as an adult I now know that what I was imagining, was far worse than what was actually taking place on screen! 

I usually explain to Bella that if something begins to frighten her on screen it is up to her to turn it off or shut her own eyes. I also don't force her to watch films like THE GREMLINS.Yes Mother, I'm talking to you.

7. 'I'll tell you when you're older'

I was usually met with this when asking about anything of a sexual nature. Usually when Bella asks questions we try to be as honest as possible in a manner that is appropriate to her level of understanding. That way she will grow up knowing that she can ask us anything.

8. 'Right, I'm phoning Santa!'

I pulled this one out a few times last November. Not my finest moments.

9. 'Did you wash your hands properly?'

10. 'Don't eat that, you'll get worms

11. 'We aren't going out until it's done'

Usually homework or cleaning.

12. 'I'm going to count to three. One.....'

Mum never even used to have to say 'one' to be honest! Usually it was just that look, the Mum look, and that was that. Best behaviour.

13. 'Gimme a minute'

14. 'Stop showing off'

15. 'Use your indoor voice please'

Why are children so loud? Their hearing is better than ours isn't it? And yet they shout everything!

16. (Going into a shop) 'Don't. Touch . Anything'

I have added 'if you break anything, we will have to trade you', seems to work.

17. 'What do you look like?'

18. Don't you talk to me like that.

19. Excuse me,  who is the Mother in this relationship?'

Imagine Ewina and Saphie from Absolutely Fabulous and you've pretty much got our relationship in a nutshell. If you don't know what I'm talking about, Google it. You're in for a world of joy.

20. 'I'm sorry'

My Mum wasn't always perfect and neither am I, but she always admitted her mistakes and apologised and this is something I always try to do. I always knew how loved I was because my Mum was always strong enough to say sorry and remind me. She showed me how to take responsibility for my mistakes and move forward. She also taught me about forgiveness.

21. 'I love you'

There was not one single day that went by during my childhood when my Mum didn't tell me that she loved me. She told me first thing in the morning and last thing at night. She kissed me, cuddled me and made sure that I always knew how much I meant to her. She still tells me every time We talk and I tell her. Knowing that there will always be someone on the planet that truly loves you that much, is really all you need to get by in life.

22. 'I am so proud of you'

Mum usually tells me this just before I achieve something I have been working towards. It's often the little nudge I need to get there. It was and still is her way of saying, 'I'm already proud of you, so you can never fail in my eyes. But keep going because I believe in you'.

I have so much to thank my mother for. She had me young, raised me by herself and worked hard every single day. She survived helping get me through university with a baby. She endured some pretty horrendous verbal abuse during both of my labours and has always supported Steve and I. 

She set an incredible example from the moment I was born and a standard that I hope I will live up to.

Now we are both adults and our relationship is so different. We laugh our buts off whenever we are together and still argue like cat and dog. Even though we are both married now, she is still my very best friend and a wonderful Nan to Bella and Connie, and I now have a Mum and a Dad that I love with all my heart.

My Mum and Step Dad Ben

Mum's wedding - I never thought I would be a bridesmaid with my own daughter!

My Mum gave me away in Feb When Steve and I finally got married.

This is me on a log flume at the tender age of two. My Mum is the one wearing peach. Nice work Mum!

Dignity – To wax or not to wax? That is the question.

“It’s okay Dan, they’ve seen it all before. “ This was my response to Dan when she asked if I could come into the bathroom and help her with some personal grooming (she had not seen the lower half of herself for about three months and  was beginning to feel a bit cross). With only a week or two away from her due date Danielle wanted to make sure everything was in order and my response was unsatisfactory to say the least.

Dignity. Everyone has it and everyone likes to keep it. No one likes to feel like they are losing it, but unfortunately becoming a growing transportation device for a baby and then being made to push said baby out of your downstairs, must, I can only imagine, make feel you a little low.

To put this in perspective for those who have not experienced being pregnant, Danielle had told me to remember how deflated I felt when I increased a jean size. I couldn’t say I was a slim teenager any more, I had just gained weight and my jeans were an everyday reminder that I had started to expand horizontally. Now if you were to times this feeling of rubbish by about ten and imagine your clothes size increasing not once but at least twice you might nearly be there. Then imagine the feeling of realising that the

one item of clothing you spent a whole day trying to find, that actually fitted your growing middle, suddenly also does not fit you any more. It all sucks a bit. To say the least!

Danielle taught me a lot about dignity during her pregnancy. She had a way of making herself look awesome all the time, she did things that gave her a sense of self-esteem and strength. Now being a man I could remove all the good in the room in a blink of an eye by saying throwaway comments such as ‘yeah you look fine’, or ‘come on we are running late’. Then I would spend the rest of the day wondering what the hell I had done wrong and why she would be so grumpy with me (if you decide to say its hormones, we will all mourn your untimely death you fool).

So to help partners and friends who wish to live a little longer during your partners/friends pregnancy, during the labour and after the birth I have put out a couple of key pointers. If I was taught these before Danielle got pregnant I would of probably not received the flying phone book to the head or the days of deathly silence:

1.     Make a concise effort to remind your partner everyday of how beautiful she looks. I can hear you all moan at this, ‘Steve, we can only say you look beautiful so much until it wears off.’ Well this is the twist, be inventive, how many times have you caught someone checking you out or when you have felt like crap and someone hugs you. You know that feeling, that little smile you get. That is what she needs, not a sonnet every morning (although one every so often helps). Keep physical contact at a high, even if it is just holding hands. Her body is changing and she just needs you there to remind her how beautiful she is and that you still love and care. Do say she looks beautiful too, especially when she has spent an hour shoehorning herself into that dress. She will love you for it.

2.    Go clothes, shoe, book, underwear, anything  shopping (before you moan, it’s only for 9 months and the pain of going around shops is not as uncomfortable as gestating a baby, so stop whinging and get on with it.) I was told retail therapy helps a person feel good about themselves and after giving this a go I can tell you I am living testament that this works. Just a couple of hours going around shops and showing a bit of interest helps. You might end up only buying a £5 pair of pumps, but it isn’t all about the shoes, it’s about feeling human and restoring self-esteem. Some people go into themselves when their body changes and they have no control, remember puberty….?

3.    Help with all the things that are going to be awkward, from putting shoes on to personal grooming. Quite simply, you try strapping a basketball to your stomach and shaving your legs, with a half blunt razor without cutting yourself. Not easy.

4.   Take them out on dates or to places, remind them of the person they were before they got pregnant. They will be changing so much during the pregnancy and will change so much after giving birth. Reminding them of who they are and what they enjoy is important. This won’t just help them but will help your relationship remain strong and positive.

5.     Help ease all and any pains they may feel, foot rubs, back massages. These don’t have to be wondrously complicated ordeals (massage table, candles, oils, that sort of thing) just a squeeze and a rub for 5 - 10 minutes can help take things off your partners mind and help them relax. Again carrying a 25kg bag of cement on your stomach all day leaves you sore and since you are probably the one who put it there you owe her that much.

6.   Get a stock full of comfortable nighties (not for you). These are for the labour and birth. Danielle always had two, one for labour/birth and one for after the birth (this was not even enough). Remind yourself she has just pushed something out of her whilst screaming through spittle covered lips and sweated more than you would if you were in a Sauna with all of the Swedish (male/female, your preference) beach volleyball team. The last thing she will want to do after having a shower is to get back into the same blood, wee, pooh stained nightie. You could even go out and choose a nice set as a gift to her - then she can feel lovely in all of those first photos and when family come to visit.

Have a wash bag prepped and ready for her first shower after the birth (I guess this one will be for partners only). The first thing she will want to do after the labour is wash her hair and body and she will need your help with this because she will probably still be in pain and may not be able to stand up staight. Although there are seats in the showers, she will probably still need to lean on you, so you are going to end up getting a bit wet too! This first shower after labour is a messy one (best to let you know now) if she worries, reassure her that none of it bothers you, and that all you want to do is clean her up and get her back to her snuggly bed. Help her get dresses and dry her hair and get back to feeling a bit normal.

7.    After the birth just hold her and remind her how amazing she is, try not to go into the gory details of how she weed in the doctors eye or how her face turned so blue she looked like that one from Charlie and the Chocolate factory. She does not need to be reminded of these feats just yet. You can save those stories for later, right now you need to make her happy, give her the warm fuzzy feeling of pride and joy.

Being pregnant is a journey that is to be shared with your partner/friend, not a trip one should take alone. Both times Danielle was pregnant, she has been surrounded by people who care, support and love her. We have all been through the wringer on this and the one thing I can honestly say is it has brought us all closer together. 

Steve

Do you have to go back to school Bella?

So me being me (Dan that is) I didn't realise that Bella goes back to school tomorrow until roughly 6 o' clock this evening. Here is a list of things that I still haven't done and need to do by tomorrow morning:

• Wash and dry Bella's P.E kit.
• Pack her school bag
• Iron and lay out her uniform
• Add the finishing touches to her home learning project
• Give her a hair wash
• oh, and nip to Clarks to have her measured for new school shoes - as she has suddenly gone up a whole foot size over the past two weeks and has no shoes.

In typical fashion, I have left everything to the very last minute - although in my defense, I really did think that she went back on Tuesday.

We managed to finish off the holidays beautifully, with a trip to Nanny's house for a BBQ and some gardening (from April onward this is usually how we spend most of our Sundays).

The girls spent a good chunk of time planting poppies with my Mum while Steve and I had an epic game of swing ball. I won obviously, because my sporting skills are far superior to Steve's.(She thinks - Steve.)

Just before leaving Mum's, I realised that we hadn't even started Bella's home learning project so we literally had to speed through making a night time garden for Princess Leia (the spec was to make a fairy/pirate garden, but Bella really was not up for either.) She decided to build Princess Leia a light saber space garden on the moon. Not sure what her teacher is going to say but hey ho, the learning was there.

Anyway, other than this weekend's bunny disaster, I really do think that our Easter holidays have been a success. 

We spent a grand total of £26.57 on entertaining Bella, Connie and most of their friends, and they all seem to have had an amazing time. 

In all truthfulness, we did spend more last Friday. I think in total I spent roughly £12.00 that day, my reason being that Bella's rabbits had just been viciously killed, and helping her to smile again was more important than any blog or challenge. We all needed cake, and we needed it fast.

So, over the past two and a bit weeks and with under £30.00 (nearly) we have managed to......

• Spend the day travelling to Neverland on the Jolly Roger 
• Go on a charity shop shopping spree
• Build a natural and pretty beautiful Easter tree while also creating all of the decorations
• Create two pretty awesome Easter Egg hunts
• Take a trip to the Natural History Museum
• Visit the Queen
• Dressed up as all of our favourite Disney characters
• Walk across London
• Enjoy a stunning picnic in Richmond Park
• Create culinary delights such as home made scones, pizzas, cup cakes, fry ups and smoothies, all the while learning new skills and recipes
• Participated in our very own bake off
• Explored the garden and researched plants and bugs
• Brought the story 'We're Going on a Bear Hunt' to life for Connie
• Spent half a day in Waterstones reading, playing and colouring
• Had a whopping great duvet day
• Enjoyed several play dates
• Created our own version of London fashion week in our back garden
• Played photographers and gone on a fashion shoot
• Written letters to pen pals
• Created our own trip to the zoo
• Ferociously cleaned the house
• Made Nanny's Garden beautiful
• Created a light up garden for Princess Leia!

The challenge hasn't been plain sailing. Copious amounts of strong coffee and chocolate were required, and there were days when I really did struggle to think up things that we could do that would keep Bella and Connie entertained for under £3.00. 

I have found that it really does pay to be as ridiculous and imaginative as possible. Our best days have really been the ones where we didn't spend a single penny. 

We have spent more time together as a family during this particular end of term break, than during any of Bella's other school breaks so far, and I really do think that this has been because we have had to rely more upon each other for entertainment and ideas. We have spoken more and laughed more and the whole experience has been far more positive. The challenge has helped us to involve Bella in far more of our decision making throughout the past two weeks. Bella has always been far more engaged in activities that she thought up herself, all we have had to do is go with her ideas and see where they take us.

Having a smaller budget has forced me to have to plan our days in advance, therefore removing the stress of having to figure out where to go or what to do at the last minute.

We have taken packed lunches and picnics with us to wherever we have gone in order to save money, and as a result, our diet has been far more healthy throughout the whole break. Normally our diet slips a little during the holidays, as our routine often suffers and we start to rely on convenience foods a little, but we really have been strict and bought only what we would have spent on our usual weekly food shop.

I am actually a bit gutted that Bella is going back to school tomorrow, I can honestly say I have loved every minute of her being with me (even if I am a little exhausted). I really can't wait for the Summer holidays now - I have a pretty good idea of how much I will need each day to get us through - I think I will just need to plan the weeks carefully and have everything ready before hand.

We hope that you have enjoyed the challenge, and that it has been of some use to you. 

Now it's on to working through that list of ours with a nice glass of red each to get us through! 

Night all.