The thing about being a parent, is that every single one of your actions has an impact on your child in some way, shape or form. It is true that they are all born different and with their own unique personalities (my girls couldn't be more different) but by and large, children get along in life by watching and mimicking the behaviour that they observe most often - usually the behaviour of their parents.
As parents we get an 18 year time slot to create good people who are kind and compassionate, responsible and independent and who use their own initiative to get by successfully in life. We want our children to be happy and healthy when they finally leave home, so that we can trust that they will always know how to make the right choices and do the right things. That way, when they do finally fly the nest we will feel safe in the knowledge that they are ok and maybe we will be able to finally relax a little bit.
To me that seems to be a bit of a tall order. No one teaches you how to create these wonderfully well rounded, complete people. There is no exam to take before becoming a parent, you don't really get a tutor or a mentor, it's just a case of trial and error, especially with the first child! This seems totally crazy. It is the most important responsibility you can ever really receive - and yet no onehelps you learn how to do it.
I always felt very fortunate in that I had a background in psychology and education and was also undergoing teacher training during Bella's early years. I had spent a long time learning about child development and behaviour and always tried to put what I had learnt into my parenting style. Being more informed definitely helped me feel confident to parent Bella in my own way, but I didn't expect it to also have a negative impact on the way that I felt as a parent.
Having a deeper understanding of how children develop and knowing how much your actions can impact them and their behaviour, has opened me up to a whole world of guilt. I almost feel like I know too much and so,on the days when I just don't have the energy to reason with my children and explain my actions (and believe me they happen frequently) I find that I am suddenly overwhelmed by an enormous feeling of guilt and self loathing. I can never seem to get anything 100% right.
I don't believe it is right to shout at your children. It frightens them, but also shows them that you are no longer in control of the situation. That doesn't mean that I don't shout at them sometimes. Because I am human. But because my beliefs are so strong, because of what I have been taught, I feel absolutely awful when I have lost my temper and shouted.
What I do make sure of though, is that if ever I have yelled, I apologise to my children and explain my actions. I then go back to finding ways of trying to ensure that I don't have to shout at them in order to manage their behaviour.
The thing I have found out about my children is that they are like little mirrors that reflect the mood around them. If I am stressed and angry then their behaviour will reflect that. Likewise if I am always shouting, their average volume level will also always be high. So I try so hard to always be calm and consistent and to always have very clear expectations of my children's behaviour.
When Bella turned two I learnt two techniques that made managing behaviour so much more simple and effective. I trained at a school that had a set of 'golden rules' that every child and teacher followed religiously. These are the ones that I decided to use very day:
We listen
We are kind and gentle
We always tell the truth
We always try our best
We look after property
The rules/statements are really positive, as they look at what we do do, rather than what we don't do. Everyone in our house follows them, not just our children and they are used consistently every day.
I have found over the past five years, that every kind of negative behaviour can be related back to at least one of these rules.
When the girls are following one of the rules really well, we give them lots of praise and talk about it. Bella loves this, as she now does it with Connie.
When they are choosing not to follow them however, we give them a very clear warning (here is where it gets a bit 'supernanny'. After giving the warning we explain that if the choose to carry on behaving in the same way, they will be put on time out. If they continue, they are removed from the situation and taken to a quiet area of the house. They are the given time to sit and think about why they are there. A minute for ever year of their life - so Bella gets five minutes for example.
We don't interact with them while they are there, and once they are finished we discuss why they were put there and ask them to apologise for the choice that they made. By doing this we are explaining that it is the choice and behaviour that we are cross with, not the child (this is also why we call it time out, and not the naughty step). We find that removing the child from the situation also gives us a bit of time out and prevents us from loosing our temper. Once the behaviour has been dealt with, we move on and get back to what we are doing.
As previously mentioned, we have used this consistently for about four years and it has always worked. Even now that Bella is older, she still hates the idea of being sat on her own for five minutes. Most of the time we only need to give a warning and the actual time out itself isn't required.
It doesn't work for every child though, because every child and family is different. I think that it's just a case of finding something that works for you and being consitant with it.
Even though Steve and I have found something that works with the girls, we still make mistakes. We lose our temper, forget to give warnings or sometimes forget to follow through with a warning we have given. It's usually a recipe for disaster and things often go on to get worse before they get better!
No parent is perfect, we certainly aren't. We are all learning at the end of the day, and trying to find something that works. The guilt and worry are unavoidable and if you aren't full of self doubt then you probably aren't doing your job properly!
If you are always thinking about whether or not you are doing the right thing, if you go to bed feeling as though you haven't been the best parent in the world today, but will give it a bloody good shot tomorrow, then you are already doing better than you think you are. It means that you are reflecting, that you care enough about your role as a parent to try to find ways of being better at it.
None of us are perfect, being a parent is the hardest thing you will ever do. We all just need to remind ourselves and each other that we are all trying our best - isn't that what we would remind our own children to do if they were finding something tricky?
Danielle
Like us on Facebook - The Accidental Parent Guide
Follow us on Twitter @accidentlparent
No comments:
Post a Comment